Sunday, March 27, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Captain America (1990)

"You care? Then come to me, my brother. Let us see if this heart of yours is stronger than my hate."- The Red Skull

"There was a scientist, eh, an Italian, eh, her name was eh... Doctor, eh, Vaseline?"- Sam

"Gee whiz, we gotta get going, Mr. President."- Captain America

First of all, Let me say thank you to frequent reader and commenter HOSS for personally handing me a VHS copy of this in Austin after our Motorhead gig there. Super rad dude to bring to light this vicious assault on nerd senses everywhere. I had heard about this flick after reviewing the Roger Corman produced Fantastic Four from 94. Some said it was worse, and I figured, "how could it be WORSE?!" Well, I'm not going to say it was worse. I think if you are a true nerd fanboy and appreciated comic books growing up, and lived in a time where you really would've given anything to see some of your favorite characters on the big screen, way before superhero flicks were big business, then you can probably find some enjoyment in either of these flicks. So we have Ronny Cox, Ned Beatty, the super duper hot Italian actress Francesca Neri, and an unknown named Matt Salinger as CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!

I'm trying to think of why this wasn't so bad. I mean it was bad. But I've seen worse. Matt Salinger wasn't bad as Captain America. He looked like Steve Rodgers for sure. The Red Skull's makeup was pretty rough. There was a LOT of cheesy dialogue, but we are talking about whitebread 1940s Captain America. He was the lamest super hero. The answer to Superman. A real life American soldier. a SUPER soldier. He never even smoked weed. And he lived when it wasn't illegal! Ok, so they messed with the story a bit, but not much. The flick starts out in the 30s. The nazis bust in this piano recital and kidnap this kid and mow down his folks and friends.

They turn this kid into the Red Skull because of his big brain. Then the chick who invented the whole way to do it is like, "NO!" and she defects to the US. Then about 15 years later, she's convinced the US to do the same thing to battle the Red Skull. They are going to make a whole bunch of super soldiers. They get this volunteer, a dude with polio who can't join the military. So they make him Captain America. Some dude comes to congratulate her and screams "Heil Hitler" and then shoots her in the chest. The Cap kills him, but too late for Herr Vasselli. She bites it, taking the secrets of the super serum with her.

So they send Cap to kill Red Skull only Skully tapes him to a rocket. Cap grabs him to pull him to hell, but Skully cuts his own fucking hand off rather than take the 3 Stooges rocket ride! A little kid is taking a pic of the White House when suddenly Cap almost slams into him and the white house, but Cap kicks the rocket off course flying all the way to Alaska burying himself. But not before the kid could take a pic of Cap and share it with his little fat friend. That kid grows up to be the president and the little fat kid grows up to be Ned Beatty the head of like the Washington Post.

So Cap finally gets found out in Alaska and busts out of the ice just about the time that the kid President is getting kidnapped in Rome by the Red Skull who's had plastic surgery and been behind all the major assassinations of the 20th century. (Great timing!!) This time tho he's going to plant a mindscrambler into the Prez's head and control him. So Cap has to allude Skully's hot ass daughter (well, she's not SO hot in this, but in real life,,, rowrrr). And figure out that he's missed out on the last 50 years. So he starts banging his old flame's (literally now) daughter and takes her to Rome to find Skully and save the world. I don't know. I'll bet this one is AT LEAST half as good as the new one. I have pretty LOW expectations for that little piece of work. Thanx HOSS! Ok! More soon, going to eat some homemade cookies!

UPDATE!: Totally spaced on this till the other day! DID YOU KNOW? Both parents from "A Christmas Story" are in this flick too? Yep! Ralphie's mom was Steve's Mom, and Ralphie's Dad (the Old man) was the fucking military general dude who is plotting with the Red Skull! Nice lil tidbit of info for ya. Enjoy. Enjoy that.


  1. This is such a great site! I like the way you set this up! Great content and images as well! Thanks for sharing this!...Daniel

  2. Hahaha...awesome review! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm sure the new one will be as bad, or worse, in certain areas.
    Had a lot of fun hanging out with you in Austin, bro! Can't wait for the next time!
    Stay funky!


  3. Also, apparently Matt Salinger is J.D. Salinger's son!

  4. I posted it on Hoss' FB, but I'll say it again. Only masterpieces get theatrical release dates and then go straight to video. They won't give a shit about Chris Evans thirty years down the line, they'll be throwing horns up for Matt Salinger.