Tuesday, March 15, 2011
bad/awesome flixxx review: Shock 'Em Dead (1991)
"I'm a virgin girl. I wait 'til I'm married. I'm a virgin girl. I don't go down on my knees."- Johnny
"Nobody can love you harder than I can"- Angel
"Someday I'm gonna be so famous that people are gonna stand in line to hear my play! "- Angel
I first became aware of this flick on tour with Fu Manchu in Europe back in 2007. We watched it on the tour bus. I was pretty stoned to the bone from hash plates, and I couldn't remember the name of it forever. It took me a long time to seek it out and figure out what the fuck it was. All I could remember was that Michael Angelo Batio was the "stand in" guitar player and when we did finally figure out what it was and looked it up, the big deal with the flick was they advertised it as a Traci Lords vehicle, and THAT was the main thing that pissed people off about the movie. They show her all sexy with her pouty lips and strutting around, and even have her on all the covers of the posters and versions on vhs and bootleg dvds, knowing full well that anyone familiar with her career is gonna think she is gonna be full on nude in the movie. HOWEVER, even though there are no shortage of titty shots in the flick, she keeps her clothes on THE WHOLE TIME!! Not once does she even come close to showing skin. She does scream a few times. Which could give you a boner if you are into that kind of thing. But, really and truly, I've posted a "homemade" trailer below that was for a screening in California or something because the real trailer is so misleading, all it does is keep flashing: TRACI LORDS!, TRACI LORDS! TRACI LORDS! So, I hope you get the gist of it from this. Traci Lords, and (making his 2nd Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review appearance) Aldo Ray as the pizza shop owner- in SHOCK EM DEAD!!!
So in the beginning, there is this very shitty band (Spastic Colon) doing a very shitty version of "Purple Haze". Sorry, I'm distracted because Rashida Jones is on television. (She's hot.) (hotter than traci lords too...) ok, back to bad stuff. gah. ok. This band is auditioning guitar players. And the gay singer is being an asshole to all of them and acting all smarmy. But the band is stressed because they have a big fucking "showcase" show the next day! HA! Already this is ridiculous 3 minutes into it. Number one, this guy would NEVER get to be the singer of a heavy band. Ain't happening. Not because he's gay. Halford is gay and he fucking rocks. This guy may not even be gay, they never say. He WAS however VERY feminine, and TERRIBLE. I think that terrible should be the "mainest" reason he'd never be allowed to rock. Ok, but even more pertinent- WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE SCHEDULE A BAND A "SHOWCASE" SHOW WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A GUITAR PLAYER? Why would you ever agree to PLAY A SHOWCASE if you don't have one? Do you think you are magically gonna meet a guitar player who somehow sold his soul to the devil to be so good that he can take one look at the notes and know the song in and out flawlessly??? Well, I guess so, because that is what happened. But I'm jumping forward a bit.
The funny thing about this flick is that they actually show the "sunset strip" (even guitar center) in hollywood which is where all these showcase shows go down. Any band that's been to LA and played one of these shows knows all about this bullshit. They don't let you use your own gear, and blah blah blah, I don't even know why i'm focusing on this. It just makes me SO mad that these stupid assholes thought they were gonna actually find a dude and impress everyone the day before the fucking show. I guess crazier things have happened. But man, they were seriously cutting it close. Enter Martin, some dude one of the dudes "heard" played guitar. Martin is just a fucking nerd at a pizza shop. He loves titties but never gets any. He quits his job to audition but they just make fun of him. He goes to ask for his job back but Aldo Ray tells him to scrub the toilet. Then his landlord kicks his ass. So like everyone shits on him. Then he says fuck it and searches out this voodoo lady and tells her he wants to be a rock star with all the trimmings.
He gets what he wants including some pretty heinous 80s porn chicks. Sure you get to see their boobs, but did you really want to in the first place? Yeah, I guess maybe before they actually showed em you did. Martin is now Angel and he totally rips. He becomes pretty cocksure almost immediately, answering statements like, "you're gonna be the biggest star in the world", by simply saying, "I know." AWESOME! Unfortunately, Angel now has to drink the lifeblood of people to stay alive much like his concubines. They rack up the bodies pretty quickly and the band gets suspicious. Also he goes back and kicks everyone's ass that fucked with him. Angel falls for Traci Lords and asks the voodoo lady how he can turn her into one of his "chicks".
Basically all he has to do is put her in a pool of snakes and pour some powder in and stab her through the heart after seducing her with his own guitar ripping skillz. Easy right? Only thing is, Traci's boyfriend is out to stop them, and he goes to the voodoo lady, almost choosing to become one of them to do it... but then he is like -forget that voodoo lady, and then he grabs the dead singers heroin kit (that they never moved from the showcase at the beginning of the movie) and puts some food in it and jabs it into Angels neck, instantly killing him. End of story. I say if you love heavy metal, cheesy flicks, satan, 80s boobs, or absurdly hard to find vhs, make it happen jack.
I'M IN LOVE WITH A SLUT!