Monday, March 28, 2011
bad/awesome flixxx review: Fire and Ice (1983)
"A pig you are, and like a pig shall you die!"- Nekron
"Sometimes in the night... I'm so afraid."- Teegra
"That wolf bitch is behind all of this."- Darkwolf
I found this gem of a movie on VHS in Richmond at a thrift store on my last trip up there. Finally got around to watching it last night and it was MORE than worth the 99 cent I paid for it. For fans of sword and sorcery you can't go wrong. For fans of adult animation you can't go wrong. Written, directed, produced, designed, and fully created by Ralph Bakshi and Frank Frazetta, I'm very surprised this flick isn't way bigger than it is. Like Masters of the Universe if it was made by the Heavy Metal animators. Anyone who digs Conan and shit like that should look for FIRE AND ICE!!
I guess there's nothing really special about this flick. The plot is pretty simple, but there was always something so powerful and amazing about Frazetta's work, and Bakshi really brought his paintings to life in this one. I was always a fan of He-Man and Conan and stuff like that, but if you go back and watch the He-Man cartoons, they were all made for kiddies. They were all clean and dry, no one died and they even had a moral at the end. When I was younger I remember them being more violent, but maybe that was just in my head from the Conan or Kull comics. Who knows? Either way, there's plenty of stabbing and axe chopping in this guy. The story starts off with a narrator setting up the story of a land that this evil queen wanted to rule.
The evil queen had a son named Nekron. Plus for some reason she was really into Ice and snow. Somehow she taught her son telepathic powers and somehow he mastered them. (Again for some reason) He used that power to create giant glaciers that pushed their way across the land anytime anyone gave him any shit. Pretty soon he was the ruler over most of the realm except for down south where this place called Fire Keep was. There was a good king there who had some sons who were pissed, and a SUPER HOT daughter named Teegra who barely wore any clothes.
Basically to get the king in the south to bow down, Nekron sent his orc-like ape-man assault team to kidnap Teegra. But she was hot and she kept escaping. Nekron's glacier destroyed this one dudes whole village and people, his name was Larn. Larn comes upon Teegra while snacking on a direwolf that he killed. He was also about to get eaten by one of them himself, but this mysterious dude with a wolf skin on his head shot the direwolf with an arrow so that Larn could escape. Then the orcs kidnapped Teegra again after her and Larn got separated. Well, there's also this giant squid thing that was gonna eat him, but why give away everything right?
Man, she escapes AGAIN, and then this mongoloid brings her back to this hot old witch. But then the witch tries to trade her to Nekron (for a price!). But she gets killed by the orcs. Then the orcs finally bring her back to Nekron and his mom is like, now you can marry her. But Nekron fucking freaks out! "I don't need anybody!" All of a sudden everyone watching this EVER, goes "oh, he's gay." Something is def up either way for him to slap THIS chick down the stairs. Sayn. And then Nekron kills Teegra's brother. And then (as if to prove my point) instead of killing Larn after he shoots an arrow at him, he takes off his cloak and summons him over to fight him hand to hand. Pretty telling. (Nothing wrong with that either, just commentary. I mean, after watching this chick crawl all over the forest in next to nada, I'm thinking "when is someone gonna bone her?", and the first person she is offered to slaps her down and calls her a slut. I was ready to defend her myself). Anyway, Basically Larn and Darkwolf save the day. I highly recommend this one to comic nerds, fantasy nerds, animation nerds, and nerds in general. Pretty awesome and definitely a highlight of my finds lately. SEEK IT OUT!!
PS- Terradactyls are called Firehawks. Rad!