Tuesday, March 15, 2011
bad/awesome flixxx review: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
"That's when I decided to leave mankind to it's folly and retire here. Into this world of memories "- Capn Manzini
Not only is this one of the worst movies ever, its also one of the most DISAPPOINTING movies ever, second only to Masters of the Universe. I remember going to the movies to see this as a kid, and being like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" when he found out his Lil Orphan Annie decoder pin was a ruse for an Ovaltine commercial. "Sonofabitch!" I couldn't understand then, and still don't understand now- where the hell this plot came from, or where it was even supposed to go!? Who was this movie aimed at? Certainly not kids! And why would adults be into it? I heard once that it was supposed to be made a horror film where toxic sludge seeped into a trash can and turned some Cabbage Patch Dolls into serial killers. But I think that was nixed because of either Cabbage Patch Dolls themselves or maybe it was too much like Child's Play. As a matter of fact, maybe the made Child's Play out of the thrown away plot...?! Who knows? Anyway, speaking of garbage, they should've thrown the script there since it had so many holes in it. Mackenzie Astin (Sean's brother, & the kid from the later seasons of the Facts of Life), and a bunch of unknowns in THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE!!
So, in the beginning there's like a garbage can spaceship. And its floating around near the Earth. Then, cut to a kid getting chased through a park by some chick and some meathead. And then he gets cut off by a young bully in a suit named Juice. Then he gets beat up and he goes to work in some old antique shop with this eccentric old dude named Capn Manzini. And there's a trash can he's not supposed to touch. NO MENTION OF HOW THE TRASH CAN GOT IN THERE FROM SPACE!!! OR EVEN HOW LONG ITS BEEN THERE. Seeing as how its an "antique", one would assume that it had been there a long time? But we'll never know because they didn't bother to write that part!!! Ok, BIG BEEF #2: In the beginning you hear them running around and they're like whispering, "we have to get back in the trash can, so the Capn doesn't get mad", and he comes in and puts a diver helmet on top of the pail. Then later on he's pissed at "Dodger"(Astin) for accidentally spilling them and letting them out. He says he can't get them back in without a magic song! Well then how were they out in the beginning??? Pure Bullshit! Who the fuck wrote this? Didn't they have plot checkers or something?! I was furious rewatching this piece of shit.
Ok. Dodger has a crush on "Tangerine". She fancies herself a fashion designer. Dodger wants to bone her, even though he's only 14. We've all been there. Raging hormones is the only thing that can make you wanna pork a chick that is treating you like shit right to your face and rubbing it in your nose and you still eat it up and ask for more. The "kids" (Ali Gator- he who loves to eat toes, Messy Tessie- a snotty lil girl, Valerie Vomit- nuff said, Windy Winston-the farter, the baby one, and the greaser) make him a jacket so she'll be into him. Meanwhile they are like searching for the rest of the Garbage Pail Kids (one would assume to make people stop asking "why are there only 7 of them?") who have been taken off to the State Home for the Ugly.
Dodger lies to her and says he made the jacket and she gets him to make like 12 more "outfits" for her fashion show. She's totally ripping him off, and he's using the kids, and theres supposed to be a big lesson in there, but they never say it or get a chance. Dodger keeps getting beat up by Juice but the kids run over his car with a Pepsi truck, and befriend some bikers.
The shit goes down in the end at the fashion show and then the weird old capn tries to put the kids back into the trash can, but they aren't having it, and they drive off on some ATVs. End of movie. I'm probably going to think of 100 other reasons I hate this movie, but either way, it was still pretty good to watch. HAHA. I have to go play a show with Weedeater right now. Aloha from Phoenix. yers VH