Sunday, August 28, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Fly (1986)

"You're afraid to dive into the plasma pool, aren't you? You're afraid to be destroyed and recreated, aren't you? I'll bet you think that you woke me up about the flesh, don't you? But you only know society's straight line about the flesh. You can't penetrate beyond society's sick, gray, fear of the flesh. Drink deep, or taste not, the plasma spring! Y'see what I'm saying? And I'm not just talking about sex and penetration. I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of the flesh! A deep penetrating dive into the plasma pool! "- Seth Brundle

"No, no I'm always like this it's um... motion sickness. When I was a kid, I uh... puked on my tricycle."- Seth

"ou have to leave now, and never come back here. Have you ever heard of insect politics? Neither have I. Insects... don't have politics. They're very... brutal. No compassion, no compromise. We can't trust the insect. I'd like to become the first... insect politician. Y'see, I'd like to, but... I'm afraid, uh...I'm saying... I'm saying I - I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over... and the insect is awake. I'm saying... I'll hurt you if you stay."- Seth

Still one of the scariest, most disturbing movies I've ever seen. I rewatched this over the weekend and was blown away at how unbelievably gross this flick still is. Or how bad it still makes my skin crawl. A remake from the 1958 Vincent Price movie of the same name, Jeff Goldblum gives the performance of his career. Even Geena Davis looks cute as hell in this one, which is something that caught me off guard, because I don't really find her attractive usually. David Cronenberg pretty much had a masterpiece on his hands when he finished this piece of work. Come along and relive one of the greatest horror movies of all time, THE FLY!!!

So, Jeff Goldblum is a super intelligent creepy recluse scientist dude who is flirting with a magazine reporter Geena Davis. He charms her into coming back to his place even though she is reluctant. He starts playing the piano and she's like, I'm gonna split, and then he's like, no wait, check it out, my invention is going to change the world. He's super confident about this project even if he hasn't been about himself. He tells her to give him something personal, and she goes and pulls off one of her stockings... Kinky shit. I've never thought of Geena Davis as a dirty lady, you know because "there's no crying in baseball", but she had "the look" in her eye in this scene. Anyway, he throws it in one of his "telepods" and tinkles some keys on a computer and bang- out comes the stocking in the other telepod. When she figures out what happened she tells him she's going to make an article out of it, and he's like, no way jose. But she basically says, bullshit, and splits.

The next day she tries to convince her boss/ex boyfriend of what happened, but he thinks she got conned by Goldblum. Then 5 minutes later, Goldblum busts in, and convinces her to go hang with him with one magic word: cheeseburger. Then he tells her that she should not do the article, she should document his experiments because there was one big problem with the project still lingering. He hadn't actually teleported anything living yet, only inanimate objects. She agrees, and then they try to teleport a baboon. The baboon comes out the other side TOTALLY INSIDE OUT. Its one of the sickest fucking scenes ever. I squealed out loud when I saw it the other day. I can only imagine the screams when it came out in the theater. I mean THIS is horror, this is heavy heavy shit. Why they don't make flicks like that anymore is beyond me. Ok, so then Geena Davis decides to bang Goldblum. And then they are about to eat, and she makes a suggestion that helps him figure out that the flesh of living objects is the problem and he sets out to solve that. Then he does, and soon after successfully teleports the other baboon that he got from wherever test baboons come from.

Ok, so then they are about to celebrate but Geena finds an envelope with a magazine with Jeff's face on it. She realizes her scum ex boyfriend is trying to steal her story and leave to confront him. Goldblum is pissed cause he puts two and two together and thinks she must be banging her old flame. So he says fuck it, "sorry I killed your brother" to the baboon, gets naked, and jumps in the pod. Unbeknownst to him, a little fly is in there with him, and when he comes out the other side, everything seems cool. Unfortunately everything isn't cool. He passes out, Geena comes back, he catches a fly in mid air while he was asleep, then gets up and does an uncanny gymnastics routine. They go out the next day and he's acting more and more jacked as the hours go by, I'm talking young Robin Williams jacked. He also starts sucking down sugar by the spoonful. She then begins to notice something isn't right. Then he bangs her for like half a day. After they finish he tells her she needs to teleport so she can feel like him. When she declines, he FREAKS out, rambles incoherently, dons some pants and goes out on the town to find some chick who will go through the pods. He goes in a bar, and now is visibly beginning to look haggard, as bumps are forming on his face. Two dudes are arm wrestling and he starts flirting with one of the dudes chick. They are like, hey man fuck off, and Goldblum still munching on a Zagnut is like, I got $100 bucks says I could beat either one of ya. They are like, alright- easy money. Goldblum breaks the dudes wrist leaving him with the bone sticking out of his arm screaming, grabs the girl and takes off. They go out to the bars, and he takes her home and bangs her, then when he tries to get her to teleport, Geena jump out is like, "Be afraid, be very afraid."

The girl splits, Jeff is pissed, and he figures out that something MUST be wrong when his fingernails start falling off. He thinks he has cancer and then he starts dabbling with the computer results and realizes a fly was in the machine. Weeks pass, and Jeff Goldblum turns into a fucking monster. He is becoming less human all the time. His hair recedes, his skin is all putrid, and he has to vomit up this liquid to break down his food. Then he starts to walk on walls. His mental state goes from desperate, to hopeful, to excited, to disturbed. He realizes there isn't much time to save himself. Meanwhile Geena Davis is pregnant with his child. She gets her ex to take her to get an abortion, and Goldblum busts through goddamn window like a maniac, grabs her and splits. Her ex tracks them back to Jeff's lab, and busts in with a shotgun. Goldblum jumps outta the rafters and pukes on his hand melting it off, and THEN pukes on his ankle separating him from his foot so he can't walk anymore. He then tells Geena he's gonna fuse him and her and their baby into one mega-creature so at least he'll be a little bit more human. She is freaking out, and tries to get away as he tries to lock her in the pod and she accidentally rips his fucking jaw off!!! YES!!! That triggers his full on transformation into the final stage of the Fly, his face falls off revealing this hideous creature, his skin all falls off, and its just the best gross special effects ever. He slings her in one pod, gets in the other one, the ex comes to, shoots the cable so her pod isn't connected but the thing goes off, transporting him and half the pod door into the third pod. Then the fused Fly and pod door abomination come crawling out of the pod, grabs the shotgun and points its barrell at its own head as if it wants Geena Davis to blow its head off. She says no, no, no, but eventually pulls the trigger and his fucking head is just decimated spreading guts all over the room. She falls to her knees crying. THE FUCKING END. FIVE FUCKING STARS. They don't make em like that anymore folks. Get you some of that. Seriously there are some INTENSE goose bump, I think I'm gonna puke moments in this one. Chock full of it. LOVED IT.


  1. "Why they don't make flicks like that anymore is beyond me."

    Because Tipper Gore had still to turn her eyes on movies, probably... ;)

    By the way, reading your review, I think there're some similarites with Tetsuo The Iron Man's ending... with a different twist, obviously... but maybe it's just me. ;)

  2. I agree: one of the GREATS. Saw this in the theater when I was 15 ('86 was a great summer for movies!) and it really put me off my Twizzlers.