Thursday, September 15, 2011

Bad/awesome flixxx review: Carnosaur (1993)

"You been watchin' too many of them I-talian zombie flicks." - waitress

"You know- a bobcat ate a fella when I was a little kid. It wasn't a local though, it was a hobo." - Friar

"Fryer- that is a 2 ton load of chickenshit- Hey Doc- you ever heard of a bobcat ate anybody's eyes? This was no bobcat. It sucked his eyes right outta his head" - cook

WOW. Perfect. This one is rough!! Another .80 cent Kansas City find, I've been looking for this one for a few years. I had only ever seen CARNOSAUR 3 on Syfy channel over the years, and its so ridiculous and awesome, I knew this one had to be just as good or better. I wasn't disappointed. In 1993 Roger Corman decided to usurp some of the Crighton/ JURASSIC PARK hype and come out with his own 'dinosaur in present day' flick. By this point, I'm thinking Corman was so old that they probably just go, "hey is this cool?" and he just nods his head yes, and they attach his name to it. But what do I know? Anyway, the clencher here for their classic "snaich"? They get Diane Ladd to play the lead since her daughter Laura Dern is one of the main characters in JPARK AND AND AND they rushed it out 2 weeks before JPARK's release. DOGGED. A very bad/good B pizza eating movie, Diane Ladd and Clint Howard star(?) in CARNOSAUR!!!

A weird thing happens throughout this movie where a paragraph in a small green font meant to give you some information concerning a contagious virus flashes on the screen every few scenes. Its super hard to read, but you can make out that they are trying to tell you that some virus is affecting a certain percentage of the population and as the movie goes on the virus seems to spread and infect more and more people. But they never really talk about it until the end of the movie. What does happen in the beginning is that in a chicken factory a rogue scientist lady has been tampering with the genetic code of these chickens and no one really knows what she is doing. A meeting is called by the government about this "known" rogue scientist lady and one of the head dudes asks which government contracted agency she is working for. One dude speaks up & claims she is working for them but they have no idea what she's up to because she gets a certain amount of time before she has to show them any results.

What IS happening is that she has successfully planted dinosaur DNA in chicken eggs. But these are bad dinosaurs, like aggressive carnivorous ones. And wouldn't you know it, One gets loaded into a chicken truck, gets through security JUST when they are closing it off, and hatches in the truck, escaping and killing the truck driver in the process. When word leaks, the head of the chicken farm wants answers and he's freaking out on the crazy scientist lady (Ladd). His daughter sneaks out to party with 2 dudes (kinky) and goes drinking and driving- out in a quarry - in a Jeep! (Coincidence that I just watched RAW DEAL? A few of these have been happening lately... more on that soon). They mysteriously get ravaged by what the cops think is a bobcat. Everyone thinks this crazy bobcat is tearing everyone to shreds, but leave it to a drunken night watchmen at the quarry to find out whats really goin' down.

'Doc' just happens to be a nightwatchman who likes to watch bad movies in his trailer. He's a fucking super alcoholic though, and always gets in fights with kids who come around drinking and screwing down in the quarry. One night he busts this pretty hot chick (the blond student from GHOSTBUSTERS) and holds her hostage til the black cowboy sheriff can pick her up. But he falls asleep and she escapes. The next morning when the sheriff takes him to the hippie commune to arrest the chick, Doc clams up and says he doesn't see her. She comes back to thank him, and they start up this unspoken flirting relationship. They run into a corpse one night and Doc starts to believe something more than bobcats are stalking this town. He goes to a diner and hangs out with Clint Howard who is funny as hell. More people keep getting killed, and those that don't get killed are getting this heavy virus that causes a fever. Clint Howard gets his head ripped off, and it pulls out his spinal cord (ALWAYS a good looking scene in a flick).

Hippie chick gets fever, Cowboy Curtis cop goes after dinosaur after he finds rotten eggs. Doc witnesses huge dino eating hippies in quarry. Somehow he knows to go to the chicken farm to confront Ladd. He gets her to explain the whole thing, then makes a joke poking fun at JPARK (which again wouldn't even hit theaters for 2 weeks. pretty cool). Then her secretary busts in and is sick and lays down a lays a fucking egg! A huge black dinosaur egg! Then she dies. Ladd explains she wants the dinosaurs to take over and she created the virus. Doc holds her hostage for the serum that can cure the fever, but not before blowing away some gooey eggs. Finally he gets it, and tries to split to save hippie girl. But Ladd sends him to a room where she has a full grown T REX hanging out with some lasers! He escapes somehow but so does the T REX. Ladd lays down to have an egg, but a fucking baby dinosaur busts out of her stomach! Awesome! Doc finally gets back to the quarry, but he knows that the T REX is on its way. So then there's a huge battle where him and the dying hippie girl fight the T REX with some backhoes! Finally after ripping the T REX's belly out with the shovel thing, Doc gives the hippie girl the serum hopefully keeping her from laying an egg. But just then, **************************HEAVY SPOILER WARNING************************

some government agents in full on Quarantine Nuke gear come in and shoot him and her to death in hopes of containing the virus. Then they burn the corpses!!! HA!!! fucking heavy!! I recommend getting a big thing of ice cream and some pizza and some burl sense buds for this one. Enjoy!

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