Friday, September 23, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

"I should have's a storage crystal." - Zax

"I pray we never meet on the same battlefield " - Hurok

"I pray exactly the same. Believe me I do... I... exactly" - Rhodes

This was a film that I had been familiar with since high school. I looked it up and tried forever to find it. Then when the internet was invented, and I figured out how to download songs and things, I eventually found a site that had some cartoons and things on it. This flick had been long forgotten, and then I saw it on the list. I was so excited to get it, it must've taken a week to download it, and after I did, I was so disappointed. I thought it sucked so bad. And it kind of does. To tell you the truth, all of these movies that are ROAD WARRIOR rip offs, could be about the same character. This looks like the further adventures of SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. Or any number of those. They could all be sequels of one another according to which one you saw first. Main character guy is scruffy and in black leather. Carries a lazer gun. Drives a weird looking off road vehicle. Traverses the desert fighting alien badguys or various stormtrooper types. This one is no exception. Bull Shannon from NIGHT COURT as a cyclops prince, Tim Thomerson as a burnt out "tracker" or "finder", and a cast of unknowns in METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN. (I've still never seen it in 3D).

This one starts out with a black clad "finder" named Dogen who is out to track down a space outlaw named Jared-Syn. He is spotted driving through the desert by one of Jared-Syn's cyclopedian warrior clan on a flying space motorcycle. The cyclops in this movie all have half of their faces disfigured and wear shaved sculled pulled into a high ponytail. He gives chase and shoots the gun off the top of Dogen's vehicle. Dogen makes him smash into a mountain though and finds a weird red crystal on his person. Then we see a chick and her dad mining for some crystals. This dude rolls up who looks suspiciously like Trap-Jaw from He-Man (Why didn't they use this guy and his make up for MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE? We'll never know) named Baal. He commands a gang of cyclops and stormtrooper dude for his dad, Jared-Syn. Jared-Syn shows up and sucks out this dudes life force into the crystal. Dogen shows up later, and consoles the chick and they take the crystal he found to a little fat guy named Zax. Zax tells them what it is, and what they have to do to find someone who can take them to the Lost City to find Jared-Syn.

Ok, so Dogen and the chick have to fight Baal and his minions and then Baal's robot arm extends and sprays this green shit on Dogen's pants. It freaks him out but at least the chick starts blasting and scares them off. Jared-Syn comes to Dogen in a fever dream and tells him he's gonna get him. He wakes up in the chicks arms. They make out and then Jared-Syn knows they are "too strong" together so he vaporizes "Daphne" to his hideout and vapes a fucking glowing ice cyclops monster to fight Dogen. Dogen beats him and goes to find Roades, the old tracker dude who is supposed to help him find the lost city. Roades turns out to be a burned out Tim Thomerson! Yeah! He says no way, but then when Dogen gets in trouble, he blasts some dudes and goes with him anyway.

So Dogen and Rhodes drive all the way to the lost city and into cyclopedian territory past the signs that say, "you pass, you die." They come to this insect looking cyclops statue and Dogen steals a clear mask from it. Then Bull Shannon busts out of nowhere and asks who took it. Roades sells him out immediately, but it turns out they wanna kill who didn't take it. Dogen talks him out of killing him. But he still has to battle Bull "Hurok" Shannon in the pits. They fight with sais and Dogen wins, not only the fight, but the cyclops respect. Then Hurok tells them they are going to find Jared-Syn too. He points them out where to find him only they can't take the same road. So Dogen and Roades take a trecherous path to get there, fighting Baal and the boys along the way.

Ok, so it comes down to the end and Dogen and Roades have fought their way to the city, and Jared-Syn is preparing this huge crystal to enslave the world so that he can rule it. He's sucked up so many souls in those crystals that his power would be limitless. But Dogen has a badass mask that deflects the lasers from the giant crystal. Hurok lets Dogen speak and convinces the amassed legion of cyclops that Jared-Syn is the bad guy. For some reason Dogen starts running for a flying motorcycle and takes off, then we see that apparently Jared-Syn had already gotten on one (even though we don't see that at all). Dogen gives chase, and then they go into some psychedelic space time warp and Jared-Syn disappears. Dogen comes out in the desert and that's how they end it! No explanation. No death, no capture, no way of knowing what happens. I guess they wanted to make a sequel, but they never did. Millions have been on their toes for years wondering what became of old Jared-Syn. Was he "destructed"? The title implies that, but we have no goddamned proof. Anyway, this is a Charles Band production. He made a lot of the Full Moon titles like TRANCERS and EVIL BONG. Should you watch this? If desert wasteland end of the world badassery is your bag, then by all means. Hop to it.


  1. Still gotta be better than Warrior of the Lost World! Hahahaha...

  2. Saw this as well as SPACE HUNTER in the theater. Don't remember the 3D though. Prolly sucked.