Thursday, December 13, 2012
Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Legend Of Billie Jean (1985)
"When you rich, food ain't supposed to taste like what it really is." - Ophelia
"I thought it was awesome, this guy was chasing Billie Jean up the stairs, she turnd around and kicked him in the nuts and kept on running, I thought it was hilarious. Billie Jean if you're out there, I love you!" - Teen
"$608 dollars for the scooter your son trashed. That's what you owe, and we're NOT turnin' ourselves in til we get it. Fair is fair! We didn't start this, we didn't mean it to happen, but we're not givin' up til you pay. FAIR IS FAIR!" - Billie Jean
This is a classic. In some circles (from this movie alone) Helen Slater qualified to be plastered up on young men's bedroom walls like Farrah Fawcett was on their father's before them. A film about rednecks. Rednecks stealing motorscooters, and other rednecks who get mad and try to do something about it. But sometimes nothing can be done. And sometimes you're pushed so far that even though nothing can be done, somehow, you vow to find a way. Fair is fair. Helen Slater, Her real life brother Christian Slater, and annoying as hell Yeardly Smith in THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN!!!
In Corpus Christi a young girl and her younger brother go out for a spin on his brand new Honda scooter. He probably had to save for a long while to get it because they make in known that they are a poor family that lives in a local trailer park. A local jerk businessman's son and his friends all tease them and the son (Hubie) wants to bang the girl (Billie Jean). The brother (Binx) embarrasses Hubie and they speed off to a local watering hole. This always made me wonder, they must live kind of far out of town in Corpus Christi, or else the movie must not have been made entirely in Corpus. Because I've never seen a forest around with a lake like that anywhere near there, but I'll admit, I'm not expert on the city, it just seems like it was out of place. Anyway Hubie and his friends steal the scooter and Billie Jean and Binx find it later beat all to hell.
Billie Jean goes to the cops and tells them what happened, but the cop brushes it off. Binx goes to get it himself, and Hubie beats the shit out of him. Billie Jean goes and gets it fixed and then goes to confront Hubie with the bills at his father's store. Hubie calls bullshit and then gets kneed in the groin. The father tries to save face by sending the boy away and then motions for Billie Jean to come upstairs to get paid. Then when she's up there he tries to rape her and says she'll get paid little by little by coming back and fucking him over time. Her brother and two other trailer park kids Ophelia and Putter (Ophelia because she can drive her dad's station wagon) bust in and Binx grabs cash and a gun out of the register. When B.J. and the old man come downstairs, Binx points the gun and then it goes off and shoots the dude in the shoulder. The kids all bail.
So they're on the run and the cop realizes he blew it. They try to get the money at the mall but Hubie's dad has Hubie jump out and try to apprehend them and blows the whole deal and Binx ends up pulling a fake gun on the copper who is trying to help them. By now big time fugitives, they break into this house in a rich neighborhood and by now everyone knows whats happening. This kid named Lloyd is home and he lets them eat and go swimming and shows them a movie about Joan of Arc. B.J. cuts off her hair and makes a video to be broadcast telling them they want their money or they'll never turn themselves in. It gets shown all over town and girls start cutting their hair in support of B.J. The shop owner starts selling tons of merch with B.J.'s pic on it. He's a fucking slimeball. Lloyd offers himself to be a hostage and they don't know it but he's the local D.A.'s son. So it gets serious. They tell them to give themselves up so no one gets hurt.
Billie Jean comes up with a plan for them to turn themselves in, but I'll let you see how the whole thing turns out. This movie probably made Pat Benatar a goddamned gillionaire. Should you see it? Yes, its one that you already should have.