Friday, December 31, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Evil Bong (2006)

Alahoyus true believers! wow. wow. wow. Ok, in direct juxtaposition with yesterday's entry- I am not proud at all to bring you one of the biggest pieces of shit ever. Having said that, there was something mesmerizing about the whole experience. You would think that the story of a haunted bong that sucks anyone's who smokes out of it's soul into a titty bar inside the bong would be just about the best idea for a movie EVER. AND----- you may be right, except for this guy falters in so many ways that its very hard to be forgiving. With special cameos by someone representing almost every flick in New Moon's video history like Gingerdead Man, "Jack Deth" Tim Thomerson from Trancers, and even Tommy Chong himself (who rated top billing only because he was the only one the general public was familiar with) New Moon Home Video Entertainment brings you: EVIL BONG!!!!!

So I basically gave you the plot in the first paragraph. A nerd goes to rent a room with 3 other stoner dudes. He doesn't smoke weed and wants to keep all his brain cells. One of the roommates reads about a haunted bong for sale in the back of High Times mag. They order it, and one by one get sucked inside of it after taking at hit. The bong begins to take on human features. Inside of the bong there's a titty bar. One of the dancer chicks is Brandi from Season one of Rock of Love. HA! Every time someone gets sucked inside, they bump into another character from the New Moon movies trying to get out.

Also, the strippers in the bong kill the dudes with their bras. I thought this was ridiculous, but it turns out that its another marketing ploy by Charles Brand, the writer and producer to sell a line of novelty bras. Motherfucker is an entrepreneur. There are lots of boobs. Then, just as the nerds girlfriend is getting sucked into the bong, Chong shows up. His name is Jimbo and its his bong.

His wife sold it, along with his "hotwheels cars". The nerd goes in after his chick with some vitamins that Jimbo gives him. My problem with this movie is not so much that its ridiculous in the first place, my problem is in its execution. First of all, while I was stoned, the fucking beginning credits seemed like they took forever. Part 2: There are these segways between scenes with this swirly pot leaf, that are like a combination of the ones between the old batman show, and That 70s Show. They are super long, and SUCK, and have terrible music. If you took those out altogether, the fucking movie would improve by about 30%. No shit. Its that bad. Not only is the music horrendous, but the characters overacting like stoner "bros" is a little much too. Even REALDEAL surfer dudes don't use the term "bro" so much. Maybe surfer frat boys do though. Anyway, its almost too much to handle. They don't make the characters likable at all. In fact they make you want them to be killed because of the way they speak.

Not much else to add here. Truly a horror movie for the acting and the music, and the graphics. They were all horrible. Horrorible. Ha! what else? lots of boobs, but I'd have to have a lot stronger weed to be convinced to watch this again. BUT would I watch the sequel EVIL BONG 2: KING BONG? Fuck yes. AND, am I excited about the making of EVIL BONG 3D?? Absolutely. Ill really try to watch anything once. This'll be the last post of 2010. Had to take it out with a bang. or a bong. Whatever. This movie sucked. pass.

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