Sunday, December 19, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Laserblast (1978)

This is one of the worst pieces of shit I ever sat through. The thing here is, I had no idea Mystery Science Theater 3000 had riffed this movie, or I'd have watched their version instead. I'd like to see their version, but seriously, trust me here: I have no intention of EVER seeing this movie again. HA! Having said that, I would never discourage anyone from spying the misery for themselves. Im not here to critique these movies. I'm just throwing out thoughts and discussing and giving my review. Every single thing posted here has some sort of merit to it or I just wouldn't bother with it, nahm sayn? Sometimes bad is EXACTLY what the doctor ordered... And that is exactly what this is... with cameos by Eddie Deezen, a guy known for his voice on cartoon network cartoons' like Dexter's Lab, and this one dude who true nerds may remember as Cal Pettie (the guy who became the dude who took care of Fred Sanford after Lamont left, and "Sanford and Son" became just "Sanford"), Roddy "Planet of the Apes" McDowell and nobody else in LASERBLAST!!

So, this thing starts out with a dude running through the desert. His eyes are all sunken back into his head and he's got this big honkin' lasergun attached to his side. Then a spaceship flies up and these two claymation lizard guys jump out and they fucking evaporate the one dude. But for some reason they just leave the gun and his necklace laying in the sand. I guess they didn't need it.

Then there's this guy Billy. He's a local dude who has it shitty in a shitty town. The only thing rad is his girl and his van. Otherwise he would split... or you would hope he would. His mom is a slut, and his girlfriends dad hates him, there are bullies who pick on him, and the local yocal hick cops have it out for him. So for some reason, he stops his van out in the desert and finds the gun and the necklace and put it on, and blows up cactuses and shit for about ten minutes.

So then his chick is like, "let's go to this pool party at the ugly girl's house", so he does, but he's all tired, so he just lays by the pool and sleeps. Then his girl goes to the bathroom to change, and billy goes to look for her after a while, and busts in on the one bully basically raping her! Then the bullies try to beat him up, but he fucks them up and they split. Then later he blows the guys car up with a ---LASERBLAST! Get it??

Ok, so- the very next day!- a government dude shows up and tells the sheriff he wants to investigate the blast and the desert and to seal off the town. Either nothing was going on in the world that this dude could just react so quickly to an explosion or LOTS of shit was going down so they had dudes in the area. No one ever explains. I guess that's left up to the viewer. He's there for whatever reason you want him to be there. I like to think he was there to investigate holes in the plot. Anyway, you know what else happens? A whole lot of revenge and then about 20 minutes of laserblasts to finish off the flick.

**********SPOILER WARNING******************

They kill him. But WHY THE FUCK do the aliens leave the fucking gun and pendant again?? Their superior TOLD them to go back and get it. Either that was the thing all along, or They are just fucking complete idiots. or stoned. or badly written.

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha...great review! Trust me, bro, check out the MST3K version, just once! It's worth it, if only for Servo and Crow constantly comparing the dude in the movie (Billy) to Mike Nelson.

    Also, it took me forever to figure out where I knew the one deputy from. Like, it bothered me for days. I'd hear that guy's voice in my head and not know why it was so familiar. Then, after about a week of driving myself up the wall over it, it clicked! Son in Law! He was Theo in Son in Law! Then I felt bad because it wasn't something cooler. Hahaha...