Wednesday, November 9, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Cool As Ice (1991)

"Chillin' wit Kat. You know, that chick who drives the horse. " - Johnny

"Yup-yup." - Johnny

"You're not wasting my time, I'm just cooling." - Johnny

"I'm gonna go across the street and, uh, schling a schlong." - Johnny

"Drop that zero and get with the hero!" - Johnny

Yeah, whackhead tried to play baseball with my homeboy's bike!" - Johnny

This movie rules. I don't care what the haters say. Vanilla Ice is a product of late 80s/ early 90s hiphop marketing... But that doesn't mean that it didn't work, and it wasn't hilarious. There are so many one liners in this flick that just so happens to be so bad that it ends up being fantastic. There is so much wrong with this movie that it's just right. I'm so excited about it and the nostalgia that it brought back that I'm finding it hard to type it all out cohesively. You have a fashion-obsessed hip hop date movie that almost qualifies to be a romantic comedy- except that its just a love story hidden in a hip hop comedy. Fuck it, lemme just do the run down- Vanilla Ice is COOL AS ICE!!!

This is a super hard flick to pin down. First of all, it really makes no sense. It seems like they were trying to just cash in on Vanilla's fame at the time. Now, let's talk about this for a minute. A LOT of peeps would straight dismiss this flick strictly because Vanilla's rapping was whack. I'll ask those people to watch TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2: SECRET OF THE OOZE and ask them if that's whack! (Go ninja, go ninja, go!) HA! But seriously, Vanilla was a pop rapper. Most pop rappers suck. They did then, and they do now. Vanilla was much in line with many of the pop rappers of the time. Now, underground hip hop was bangin then. Take a look at Public Enemy's APOCALYPSE 91: THE ENEMY STRIKES BLACK. That's one of my favorite hip hop albums, and it came out the same year as this flick. Yet Vanilla's jams are no where near as good. Doesn't matter, it wasn't for the same people. So- to start over, let's pretend that Vanilla is just some actor guy. Ok, now we'll judge the movie on how bad it is, and not how bad Vanilla is overall.

This flick starts out with Vanilla essentially playing himself, some white rapper guy with an entourage of black friends. They are playing a show or recording a video (because their are no fans, just a bunch of people dancing in an old barn). And then when its over, they high five each other, and Vanilla (or Johnny) and his 3 friends jump on their crotch rockets and just take off WITH NO DESTINATION TO SPEAK OF. They just ride off into the sticks, or really like the farms of Idaho and surrounding it looks like. But they never say why, they are just riding, which is fine, but they seem to have no where to be, and no real stress on getting out of there except that they don't really wanna be stuck there. I'm getting ahead of myself. They ride out to the boondocks, and Vanilla jumps over a fence to flirt with a girl on a horse and the horse throws the girl. Yeah, she's really impressed. Then Vanilla's "homeboy's" bike starts acting funny.

So they go to get his homeboy Jazz's bike fixed and they take it to this crazy old dude and his crazier mechanic wife. They take the whole bike apart which gives us more time for the movie. It just so happens that Kat "the chick that drives the horse" lives across the street. So Johnny starts flirting with her right in the face of her redneck boyfriend. She's like a champion horse rider and is on TV for it. The dad is spotted on TV with her by some cops. It turns out that her dad and mom were in the witness protection program for skimping out on some corrupt cops years ago after they tried to swindle some bread or something. They go after him and his family saying he owes them a debt. Meanwhile Vanilla and his crew rock the shit out of the hick school dance and Kat falls for him.

So the crooked cops kidnap Kat's lil bro and her dad and the ex boyfriend pin it on Vanilla cause he's always in the wrong place at the wrong time. PLUS VANILLA KNOWS KARATE!! And then Kat goes against her will to Vanilla and gets his boys to go after the cops and help save the day. Luckily Jazz's bike is fixed. I skipped all the parts where they are kissing. You don't need to know all the "mushy stuff". You like that Fred Savage/PRINCESS BRIDE reference? Anyway, alls well that ends well. I liked this flick because Vanilla Ice had balls. Balls enough to sew two halves of different suits together and wear them like he was Two-Face from fucking Batman comics! The dude oozes steez. I MAY get my hair cut like that if I ever cut it again, and if anyone knows where I can get a jacket like that, holla. WORD TO YER MUTHA.


  1. Hahaha...awesome review. I remember this movie existing, but I'm not sure if I ever actually watched it.
    Also, I was talking about Apocalypse 91 all weekend at Fun Fun Fun Fest! (Nice seeing you there, by the way, bro.)

  2. It was one of my favorite movies. I never understood why my friends hated the guy - he was my role model. I would love it if Hollywood made a movie for me like that. EXCELLENT review. I'll send this review to all my friends to read including my 85 year old mom, DMCJEDI.