Tuesday, November 15, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Substitute (1996)

"I'm in charge of this classroom. I'm the warrior chief, the merciless god who stirs anything in its path. You fuck with me, and you will suffer my wrath." - Shale

"Cuba wimped you out. You lost your mind and now you lost your balls.....FUCK YOU. Fucking queers." - Hollan

"You don't teach history anymore Smith. You ARE history!" - Rolle

Wow. What a piece. This is bad, like never need to see it bad. But let's focus on what is worthy about it. Its got a SWEET cameo by William Forsyth. He's the dude that's the other escaped con with John Goodman in RAISING ARIZONA, and he's the cop in THE DEVIL'S REJECTS. Best line in the movie goes to him. A couple other laugh out loud moments, but that's about it. Tom Berenger, Luis Guzman (from BOOGIE NIGHTS) & Ernie Hudson in THE SUBSTITUTE!!!

So what happens here is, we have a team of mercenaries, the dudes they call "Black Ops" soldiers nowadays, and there were 9 of them that went in and did a secret mission in Cuba. But they fucked it up. And because they fucked it up, only 6 of them returned home on a raft. So, the main guy, who was in 'Nam apparently and probably got him started merc'ing in the first place, goes to look for him and his other boys some jobs. But first off, he stops off to see his girl.

His girl works in this high school that is totally fucked up, with kids dancing on the tables, and threatening teachers, and basically not doing shit besides hanging out and cussing teachers out. I wonder if there are actually schools like this. I'm sure there probably are. Or at least there probably were at one time. They made tons of movies like this: DANGEROUS MINDS, STAND AND DELIVER, LEAN ON ME, THE PRINCIPAL, BAND OF THE HAND, the list goes on. Anyway, kids are fucked up, and a gang member threatens a teacher. She tries to rat him out, but the principal (hudson) won't do anything because its not a direct threat. So the gang hires a HUGE native american dude to take the teacher out Tonya Harding style. This lays her up in hospital for days. WHICH IS CRAZY! How many times have you hurt your leg and needed percaset? I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, but it seems like she would've been out of the hospital the next day. Anyway, Shale (Berenger) comes to the rescue.

So Shale DOES NOT do drugs. He went over to this dude's house to get a job and it ended up being about running dope, and Shale beat the shit out of him. Then he goes and has his boys make him a fake id so he can pretend to be a sub so he can infiltrate the gang. Then he asks his boys to team up with him and they think its stupid, especially Hollen, who cusses a lot. But most of them help him anyway. He goes in and takes over the class, giving them all some tough love. Of course he digs some of the good students, and gets ready to fuck up the bad kids. The main bad kid is the head of the KOD (the Kings of Destruction). He tries to fuck up Shale a few times, cornering him in the library, but Shale throws all his boys out of a 4 story window.

Ok, so one of his students and another teacher see the principal and the gangs unloading a shitload of cocaine into a pit out of the school bus in the basement of the school. They try to run, but the principal catches the teacher and assassinates his ass. The girl escapes to tell Shale. Shale goes and fucks up the one drug dealer and finds out the original job offerer guy is the one who is behind the whole thing. He fucks him up, then they steal the money, and then they fuck up Johnny Everglades or whatever his name is, and then he goes after the gang and the principal. HUGE SHOOTOUT. Bad guys lose, good guys win. Hip hop soundtrack. THE END. Should you watch it? nah brah.

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