Monday, November 29, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Star Slammer (1987)

What can I say? I like space flicks, and I like chick prison flicks. If you gimme a space chick prison flick, I'm gonna watch it, no matter how godawful it is. There's gotta be some story with this flick that I can't find. The full name of it is THE ADVENTURES OF TAURA: PRISON SHIP- STAR SLAMMER. But it's advertised as about 10 different names, as you can see from the poster above. Star Slammer: The Escape? Whatever, its still one of a line of about 45 or 50 super shitty/killer movies by a man named Fred Olen Ray. I can't even find a trailer for it, so you know its low budget. That means it was probably direct to video, but that doesn't mean anything really, it can just mean they are harder to find. Anyway, instead of a trailer, I posted a few quick scenes so you get the picture of what we're dealing with here. So, without further ramblings, I proudly present a bunch of strippers from the 80s "starring" in: STAR SLAMMER!

Basically, the flick begins with Taura hanging out with some little dudes who kind of look like the goblins from Troll 2 way out in the desert on some planet. Then this old wizard comes by and is sad because he can't afford his space taxes. Then this tax collector Bantor shows up with a pink haired toadie, and a bald down the middle cyborg guy who has long flowing platinum hair otherwise. Sort of like an advanced golden eagle quaff. They say they're there to take the goblins crystals, and then the wizard tries to stop them. They vaporize his ass, and then Taura kills a few of them with a claw hammer, cutting off Bantor's hand, but they eventually catch her. Then she's tried by the Space Council and thrown on this Spaceship Jail called the Vehemence.

Then she meets her Lesbian warden and gets smacked around by the hot (?) prison chicks. Then the boss of the cell block comes by. She's a cyclops named Muffin! Ha! After that, you (surprisingly) see the only set of boobs in the movie. Well, you see them twice because she feels the need to change shirts twice, but with all the t&a, cleavage, and bouncing around on the set, I have to say, I expected more.

So, after that, you get a lot of catfights, some pg space sex, food fights, a cool mute midget, a giant monster, some rats trying to eat faces, and Bantor gets assigned to the ship to take care of business. He's got a cyborg hand now, and he's pissed at Taura.

Then, after the prisoners make peace with each other, they plan to bust out. They cut off Muffin's hand and then stab her to death, and then with the help of this Asian scientist chick (who goes from scientist outfit to unitard in half a scene) they start fighting their way through the ship to Bantor's escape pods.

Finally they get away, but, Bantor gives chase in a space pod, and there's a space shoot em up. Also they hid the rat in Bantor's pod, and it jumps out and bites his face (one of my favorite parts). At the end, they show a shot of Taura running around, and much like Buckaroo Banzai, promise a sequel that was never made. Should you see this? Well, If there is nothing else at all to watch. Yes. Its okay. But there's lots better. Word.

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