Friday, November 12, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Troll 2 (1990)

"you can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"- Dad

"christ! your sister Hollie's with that playboy son of the Cooper's."- Dad

"as for you old man, go back to your kingdom of shadows!" - preacher

Alahoyus! It's been a long time. Someone stole my computer a few months back while we were rocking in DC, so I haven't been able to post any reviews for a while. But I bought a shitload of flicks to watch and review while I was out there, and watched quite a few, so i'll be knocking a few out here in the next few days. But I am glad to be back and I've got tons of heinous stinky terrible yet amazing flicks to show you. I'll start off with this little gem that has been suggested to me for a while now. It's been called the "Best Worst" Movie, and there's even a documentary about it called that now- created by the boy who was the star (?) of the flick. I'm not sure it is THE worst movie ever, but its pretty bad, yet there's something endearing about it, which makes it perfect to analyze and review here at BAFR. Ladies and broskeetos, today I bring you a heinous classic: TROLL 2.

This one is heinous, so i'm just gonna give it to ya: The flick starts out with a little dude named Joshua being told a story by his grandfather. The story is about some goblins out in the woods who are chasing this dude named Peter. Peter falls after a badass intro with this killer 80s keyboard/rock song. Peter then gets tricked by this hot chick that was really a Goblin into eating this green porridge. Then he turns into a plant that the Goblin eats. Grandpa Seth is telling Joshua that goblins still exist so don't eat any green shit or the goblins will eat him when he turns into a plant. Then his mom busts in and is like, what are you doing? And he's like, well Grandpa Seth is telling me a story.... whoops, I forgot that Grandpa Seth was dead. Sorry mom. Mom tells him to quit imagining things and there's no such thing as goblins, and to go ahead and get some sleep because they are going to have plenty of fun next week starting tomorrow when they go on their trip out to Nilbog. Then his sister is working out. Then the mom asks the dad, 'who are the goblins?', and the dad laughs, 'hahaha, there are no goblins'. Then, the sister's boyfriend sneaks up to see her, and brings his stupid friends. She tells him if he wants to get laid, he has to bail on his friends and calls him gay. wah-wah. He is supposed to show up at 8.
Next scene, he doesn't show, and they split anyway. Josh has a bad dream that his folks are goblins, but then wakes up and sees his dead grandfather as a bum and the bum is holding a sign saying stop the car. So Josh pretends to be sick. They stop, and then grandpa Seth tells him to make them go back. Then they're like, 'get away from that bum'. Seth turned into some old hitchhiker. Elliot the boyfriend shows up with his friends in an RV, and she flips him off. They get to Nilbog, and its like an old deserted farm town. They meet the creepy ass family who they are trading houses with for a while, and they give them their house keys. The family says nothing and just drives off. They go in the house and the family left them some food, which looks like a bunch of cakes. Then Grandpa Seth appears behind the screen door, and tells Josh to stop them, don't let them eat. Josh is like, how?, and somehow Seth freezes time for 30 seconds so that Josh can figure out a way to stop them. He gets up on the table and pisses on the food. His dad is pissed, and yells at him and tries to get him back by saying he'll starve him out or something.

Then cut to one of Elliots friends out in the woods as he finds some chick getting chased by the goblins. They run into this nearby house after he gets stabbed by one of their wooden spears. Its the home of Creedence Leonore Gielgud, some chick who is like the leader of the Goblins- "of ancient Druid origins". She gets them to eat some veggie stuff, and then the hot chick turns into a puddle and is eaten by the goblins, and the dude turns into a tree, and delivers some of the worst dialogue (and delivery) EVER.

Then the sister dances in front of the mirror, and Grandpa Seth appears in the mirror and scares the shit out of her, but he's looking for Joshua. Josh changes rooms with her, and then talks to his Grandfather. Seth tells him to get them outta there, so Josh throws out all the food except some milk. But the dad takes Josh to the store to get some breakfast food. Another of Elliots friends gets picked up by the local sheriff who feeds him a veggie cake, and takes him into town. He starts sweating green and checking out the creepy ass locals who are staring him down. They give him a message from Arnold the tree boy. Then he drinks some bad milk.
Josh tries to contact Seth through a car mirror, and sees that Nilbog is Goblin backwards.
Then Lenore shows up at the house where the mom and sister are and gives them a cake.
Josh skateboards across the street and catches the townspeople worshipping and talking about how the flesh and meat is gross. "hamburgers! steaks! sausages! hotdogs! the smell of carcasses!" He sees the family that was supposed to take their house. Then, he gets caught and they take him to the basement to eat some ice cream, but then his dad busts in, and is like, "whats up? Why are you still here?" "we had car trouble. We'll be leaving tonight."
Then his sister knocks Elliot the fuck out.
Then the dad busts holly with her beau, then the one dude tries to save his tree friend, but Creedence stops him. She chainsaws the tree guy, and i guess she kills the other guy who lands on her bed?? They never say.

Then the townspeople show up at the house, and try to make a feast for them to make up for the "misunderstanding". Josh gets sent to his room for acting like a little asshole. The townspeople are a little too creepy trying to get the fam to eat. They get suspicious. Then Josh tries to call Seth, but Creedence jumps out of the mirror as a goblin and tries to eat him, but Seth comes outta no where, and chops her fucking hand off sending her back through the mirror. Then she grows it back like it never happened. Then grampa Seth tries to light a molotov cocktail, but the preacher catches him and is like, "go back to hell old man!", and starts chanting, but grandpa seth says something and makes lightning come from the sky and ignite the molotov cocktail and sets the preacher on fire. That part is awesome. Then everyone comes outside, and is like what the fuck? They put out the preacher, and they see his true form. Then the cop and everyone is like, "he was one of us", "now its your turn".
Creedence starts chanting and makes herself pretty to seduce the last of Elliots friends with a piece of corn on the cob?!? The townsfolk hold them hostage in the house, and tell them to eat sandwiches or they'd kill them violently. So they decide to have a seance to get him to come to them.... "You're a genius big sister". Goddamn this is horrible. They contact Seth and he tells them they have to defeat the magic stone that gives them their power. Then he disappears somehow, and a goblin is in his place. I don't know?! It jumps on the dads back and its hilarious. Josh wakes up in Creedences house while shes out killing the dude with popcorn. Then a goblin attacks him, until Seth shows up out of nowhere unexplained. He gives him a backpack and tells him not to take it out until he needs the contents. Then he says "there it is- The Stonehenge Magic Stone"!! Seriously. That's what its called. He says all they have to do is touch it. Unbelievable. The goblins have the family surrounded. Then they disappear. Then Creedence is back at her house. She backs Josh into a corner and he takes out the answer to the whole movie- a goddamned double-decker bologna sandwich!! He eats it and somehow it works, and also SOMEHOW his family is magically there, and then Josh is screaming at them to touch the "Stonehenge Magic Stone" and CONCENTRATE- no CONCENTRATE HARDER!! you're not doing it HARD ENUFF!! i wanted to strangle him at this point. Then it worked. The End? No. Then, the dad takes the boyfriend home, and the mom and josh go home. Josh goes up for a nap, and his mom goes for a shower. He gets weirded out, finds a baseball that says "Mummy is so good"- Checks the shower- green slime. Then he goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, Goblins eating his mom. "do you want some Joshua?"
terrible. and great at the same time. I think.
if you need any other reason to watch this flick, check out these dance moves- you're welcome:

No comments:

Post a Comment