bad/awesome flixxx review: Keoma (1976)

One of the final great "spaghetti westerns", KEOMA was a last hurrah and a shining triumph of what the genre had been, and could have been. In 1976, when most of the steam had already run out of these types of flicks, and they had moved on from serious dramas to shitty parodies or even shittier "western comedies", Franco Nero brought to life the story of a "half-breed" hell bent on making up for lost time.



KEOMA is the tale of Keoma, a half-white, half-native American man who has returned from the civil war to his home in the old west. Upon his return he finds his old town run by a corrupt Confederate soldier who's got a posse of assholes that ride roughshod all over the citizens of the town. Something has infected the water and given some of the townsfolk the "plague". The bad guy (Mr. Caldwell) won't let anyone leave town except to go to an old mine to die if they are sick enough. Keoma sees them taking a bunch of them to the mine, and he rescues this pregnant lady, and takes her back to town. The townsfolk are pissed, b/c they think she has the plague and might infect them.



Other things aren't working out so well for ol Keoma either. His dad, who used to be the main ass kicker in town, never even leaves his ranch anymore b/c things are so fucked. His 3 bigtime asshole half brothers are in cahoots with Caldwell, and they've been kicking Keoma's ass since their ol man brought him back from the reservation. His only friend in the world, who was his dad's ranchhand, and was also a badass with a bow and arrow, is now the town drunk. Plus there's this old witch that Keoma sees all the time, who's haunting him and asking him "why he came back?", and "isn't he tired of killing?" Keoma always has a tuff as hell answer for her. "Everyone deserves a chance to be born", or "I go alone because I AM alone", or "I do what I do because I am free, and that is the only way to be free." or some shit like that. He's tuff like I said. Plus, Franco Nero had KILLER steez. Ive never seen so much style. There's so much action in this flick... It really has everything you could ask for in a western. There's a fucking 15-20 minute shootout that's like 3 on 50 or so. I don't wanna give away the juicy bits though. The only thing that is annoying about this one is this running ballad theme that narrates throughout the film. It sort of has a BILLY JACK vibe about it, but its really bad, in that its this really shrill ladies voice describing what's happening as it transpires. "you have to go and save her now, you get up on your horse and ride away as fast as it will take youuuu!" HA! it really is like that. And then like, a really out of key drunken sounding dude is singing as if he is Keoma, or responding/narrating in the song.... anyway, that part sucks. But not enough for you to not totally understand that this is a hell of a western. I'm gonna find some more of these to watch, as this was enjoyable. Aloha from somewhere in PA!!

"Put a little insanity on yer potato"

NEW FREE VALIENT THORR SONG!! NEW SITE IS LIVE!! CHECK IT!

ALAHOYUS TRUE BELIEVERS! The day has finally arrived. Tomorrow, we launch out with our friends MASTODON, BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME, & BARONESS on the 2010 Volcom Tour.
To celebrate, we decided to give all the Thorriors out there a present. Cassius Thorr designed a new website for us, and we thought you might like to hear ONE OF THE NEW SONGS from our album we recorded with Jack Endino last month!!
So click right here, and it'll take you to the home page and then enter your email. We’ll send you a link to download our new jam “DOUBLECROSSED” – wait for it……….. FOR FREE. Spread the news. We play around 6:30 every night, so leave work early, have a few cocktails, and help us get the party started right! So excited to be back out there with ya! See you all soon,
VALIENT THORR

bad/awesome flixxx review: John Carpenter's: Prince of Darkness (1987)

wow, here's a hard to find horror classic. and after checking out the critic's reviews, it seems like a lot of people didn't enjoy this flick! made just one year after (probably) my favorite movie ever- BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and one year before THEY LIVE, Victor (Egg Shen!) Wong and Dennis (Wang!) Dun return in John Carpenter's PRINCE OF DARKNESS.



Man it took me forever to find a copy of this. I love John Carpenter. Besides VAMPIRES, i can't really find any fault in the man's career. I don't know why this movie never made it as big as some of his others. Maybe because it was distributed by a new company at the time, who knows? Straight up tho? I'm gonna say this is one of his top films. you got BIG TROUBLE, this one, HALLOWEEN, THE THING, & ESCAPE FROM NY. top 5. oh sure there's plenty more. What's gonna make you wanna watch this one? How about Alice Cooper's frequent cameo as a satanic homeless person? How about a story involving a canister thats over a million years old containing a glowing green swirling liquid thats supposed to the anti-christ in an old abandoned church in LA? one that was supposedly buried in the desert by his father the Super Devil who was banished to the dark side of a mirror by an alien named Jesus? one where bugs are crawling all over dudes eating their hands and heads off, girls puking in other girls mouths, dudes puking in other girls mouths, everyone puking in everyones mouths, remote psychic tachyon visions replacing dreams, fountains of demonic liquid infesting a young student and possessing her, a dude jabbing a stake into his own neck, and all kinds of students and scientists dying in various ways. I just don't have the heart to give out everything here, because I believe this bastard deserves the chance to be viewed by you. There are some unbelievable scenes in this film, very subtle things that stand out. The vibe of the damn thing is creepy throughout the whole thing. The story is extremely well written. The music is amazing (as it almost always is in his films, of course done all by himself), and the end scene is great. I think the only problem people may have is some of the acting. But, seriously it's not that bad, and I think the story actually holds its own even if you don't like the acting. I highly recommend finding this, although I've only ever come across it on vhs. I think they just released it on DVD finally. check it out big time. thumbs up, aces, whatever. find it! Fucking terrifying and worth every penny.

bad/awesome flixxx review: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

with an impending remake in the can, and a whole franchise of sequels, including a tv show to tempt me into watching more, I decided to revisit what some call the greatest slasher movie of all time. Robert Englund, John Saxon, and Johnny Depp in his big screen debut, ladies and gents, I give you Wes Craven's A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.



ok, There are literally thousands of shitty movies I wanna review, most of which I have never seen, but I have a few here that I've either been given or downloaded a while back, and I need the space on my harddrive, so I'm dusting some of them off before I delete them. This isn't any new territory here, I'm not gonna be telling you anything about this flick that you don't already know. Most of the time these dudes making the remakes fuck them up royally so that no one even gives a shit to see any of the other ones. That was the case for me when someone told me about a new Nightmare remake. I tossed it around in my head a bit and came to this conclusion: well, its better than trying to sell us another sequel. The interesting piece of information here is that the dude playing Freddy in the new movie, Jackie Earl Haley actually went to the auditions of this first film bringing along his buddy Johnnie Depp who ended up getting a part. Jackie Earl Haley is the long haired motorcycle kid from the first BAD NEWS BEARS. He was also in another bad/awesome flick reviewed last summer called DAMNATION ALLEY. But enough about the new shit, let's talk about this one. We all know the plot: Cute blonde chick has a nightmare about a dude trying to kill her. She finds out her friend Nancy had the same dream the next day. So Nancy and her boyfriend Glen (Depp) decide to sleep over to make Tina feel better. Tina's cool boyfriend busts in on them and takes Tina up to her mom's bedroom to bang. Johnny Depp tries to bang Nancy, but she's like, "no, we're supposed to be here for Tina." Bummer. After Rod and Tina pass out from sex exhaustion, Tina has another dream about the knife finger dude. She sees a goat, and Freddy chops his own fingers off! Then Rod wakes up to her screaming and he's freaking out, and she's getting cut open somehow, and he's like,"what the fuck?" "help!" "this is crazy, this is crazy!" and Tina's getting dragged up the wall and onto the ceiling and blood is everywhere, and it just looks bad for ol Rod. He freaks out and bolts. They accuse him of murder and catch him the next day. Nancy freaks out, she can't sleep cause she keeps having these nightmares, and she starts getting this skunk streak in her hair (that's pretty rad). And she goes to see ol Rod, and he gets strangled by Freddy thru his dreams by his sheets. Nancy goes ballistic, denies sleep, then her mom takes her to a Dream clinic. She has another dream, and she's running away from Freddy (who isn't named yet btw) and she wakes up with a burn on her arm and freddy's hat! She pulled it into reality! So the mom freaks out, the neighbors hate Nancy cause she sucks, they don't want their boy hanging with that creep of a girl and her punk rock quaff. Nancy's mom tells her the story of a killer named Fred Krueger who killed like 20 kids and then was released from jail because the cops didn't sign a form or something. So then some angry parents, and I'm not sure if she meant her parents, or like her friends who are all of nancy's friends parents now (?) all burned Fred alive. Then to "comfort" her she takes her to the basement and grabs this bladed knife glove out of her fireplace because of course that's gonna make everyone feel better! You got this dead guy's fucking killing glove in your fireplace! That's why he's fucking haunting you! HA! So she boards up the house and Johnny Depp gets turned into a bloody geyser, and then theres a chase and some HOME ALONE style booby traps, and then freddy's on fire (again) and then he sucks Nancy's mom into the bed. And then it was all a dream. And then Freddy is a car, and then he "here's Johnny's" the mom thru a window on the door. Wow. I think I need to watch the second one, cause this one was lacking on the goods. That scene where Freddy's arms extend across the alley to scratch the walls? Hilarious. My favorite lines? At the end Nancy tells Freddy, "You're nothing! You're shit!" And that just about sums up a lot of these movies. More soon bad movie lovers!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Runaway (1984)

"It is the future", except for everything sucks and the cars look like its the past, and the robots are pretty shitty. But you do have Tom Selleck, Gene Simmons, Kirsty Alley, and fuckin Mauser from Police Academy in his same role in a Micheal Crichton(!) film- RUNAWAY.



This was a childhood favorite. All i could remember about it was that there was a bad guy (Gene Simmons) who had a bunch of robot spiders who would jump on you and stick a needle in your neck BEFORE exploding and setting you on fire! Need I type more? ok... well, Tom Selleck is a very serious cop with a new hot partner chick and his son is the kid from FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR. He has vertigo, which may or may not be a nod of the hat to Hitchcock. There is a very similiar scene in which he's waaay up at the very tip top of an elevator about two floors above an unfinished building and has to peer over the side much like Jimmy Stuart in VERTIGO. Besides that Gene Simmons has an awesome gun that shoots heat seeking missile bullets, and his girlfriend is Kirsty Alley, and she has to take her clothes off looking for bugs. No nudity on her (thank christ) but there is a nice rack that shows up at one point. What else? Flying camerabots called "floaters", and these badass robots that are dumped thru the floorboard of this car, that zoom thru traffic and explode on intended targets. The final scene is pretty awesome and Gene Simmons has a moment that will make you piss yerself laughing. totally worth a watch. B-. Bonus spiderbot kill to follow:

"you shoulda seen that cocksucker's face when i took out that knife"

bad/awesome flixxx review: Beastmaster 2- Through the Portal of Time (1991)

wow. i will never ceased to be amazed by the flicks that are out there. i was so curious about the sequel to Beastmaster after watching the first one (because truly, these reviews are supposed to be about bad AND awesome movies- and Beastmaster doesn't really qualify as bad. its just awesome) that I went and found a copy of Beastmaster 2. and I was not disappointed. It truly sucked (in an awesome way).




One of the reasons that I liked the Beastmaster so much was that when I was younger (on earth) it reminded me of Masters of the Universe. Dar was kind of like He-Man, and he pretty much had his own battle cat, and his world looked like Eternia. The only thing that ever remotely sucked about He-man (besides that fact that they never killed anyone) was the truly horrible movie adaptation w/ Dolph Lundgren. In that movie, I'm guessing they didn't really have the budget to make a realistic world filled with baddies that looked similar to Beastmaster the original. So what was their solution? Come up with some bullshit story about a "cosmic key" and bring He-Man and his cohorts over into Earth, and film in LA. That all happened in 1987, four years before Beastmaster 2 was made. I guess the director was like, fuck it, let's rape this one too. To be fair, I guess this one could have worked if they left the whole LA part out, but then everyone would complain that it was just another sword and sorcery flick. But some of the continuity mistakes were atrocious. His bird isn't even the same color. It was a huge black bird in the first one, this time it's like a brown, and sometimes white eagle. Rrrugh (his tiger) was a huge black tiger in the first one, and in this one he's a lean Bengal tiger. Somehow Kodo and Podo are back even though one of them died saving Dar from Mayax in the first one. (now, the chick ferret had babies in the last one, so these could be the babies of the OG Kodo and Podo. who knows?). What else? Well, a brief plot outline: Dar is captive to the evil Arklon in the beginning but of course escapes. As he's being chased in the swamp, he meets a monster thats like a cross between the Swamp Thing and the big ass Orcs from LOTR. It shoots red light from its eyes. but it sees Dar's hand, and goes, "yo, I was your dads sister one time. You have a big brother, who's a dick, you have to go west and kill him." So Dar sets out, meanwhile Arklon meets up with this witch who is way hotter than the witches in the last one. She tells him of this secret portal (that looks like StarGate- which came out in 94- interesting) and he also has a cosmic zapping "key" (see what i mean?). She tells him of this ultimate nullifier bomb the military has (in LA??) that looks like a pony keg with a timer on it. Just before they can enter the doorway, they cut to this scene of a chick zooming around LA getting chased by cops, and then they crash in the doorway. The chick is "like way totally rad the max, k?" Gag ME with a spoon. Dar befriends her and they chase Arklon and the witch into the portal and Dar figures out that Arklon is his long lost older bro. it gets worse from here. They totally make Dar out to be a kook. There's even a scene where they are driving around LA, and they pass by a movie theater and BEASTMASTER 2 is on the marquee. Dar looks into the screen like "what?!" WAH-WAH-WAAAAH. pretty much a bummer, but it makes me VERY interested in how bad beastmaster 3 could be. can i even handle it? enjoy boys and ghouls!

VALIENT THORR EURO SUMMER TOURDATES!!

Valient Thorr Euro Summer Tourdates 2010

Alahoyus to you all today! We will be hitting the road this summer in Europe. Here are the initial gig dates, with more coming soon. Please help us spread the word!
more soon, Valient Himself

* Jun 17 2010- HELLFEST 2010- Clisson, France
* Jun 19 2010- Elektra Tuinfeest 2010- Sliderecht/ Rotterdam, Netherlands*
* Jun 20 2010- Trix- Antwerpen, Belgium
* Jun 23 2010- Schaubude- Kiel, Germany
* Jun 24 2010- Hafenklang- Hamburg, Germany
* Jun 25 2010- White Trash- Berlin, Germany
* Jun 26 2010- Alter Schlachthof- Eisenach, Germany
* Jun 27 2010- Podium Asterix- Leeuwarden, Netherlands
* Jun 28 2010- Little Devil- Tillburg, Netherlands
* Jun 29 2010- Riders Park/ L’entrepot- Arlon, Belgium
* Jun 30 2010- Volxbad- Flensburg, Germany
* Jul 1 2010- ROSKILDE FESTIVAL 2010- ROSKILDE, DENMARK
* Jul 3 2010- Gaskessel Barbarie Festival 2010- Biel/ Bienne, Switzerland
* Jul 6 2010- Nachtleben- Frankfurt, Germany
* Jul 7 2010- Eden- Ulm, Germany
* Jul 8 2010- Sedel- Luzern, Switzerland
* Jul 9 2010- Volxhaus- Klagenfurt, Austria
* Jul 10 2010- ROCK IM RING FESTIVAL 2010- Südtirol/ Botzen, Italy
* Jul 15 2010- Viper Room- Vienna, Austria
* Jul 16 2010- PMK- Innsbruck, Austria
* Jul 20 2010- Estraperio- Barcelona, Spain
* Jul 21 2010- Ritmo & Compas- Madrid, Spain
* Jul 22 2010- Music Box- Lisbon, Portugal
* Jul 23 2010- Piano B- Porto, Portugal
* Jul 24 2010- Azkena- Bilbao, Spain
* Jul 27 2010- Grotta Rosso- Rimini, Italy
* Jul 28 2010- Sabotage Bar- Vicenza, Italy
* Jul 30 2010- Festivalkult! U&D 2010- Porta, Germany
* Jul 31 2010- ROADKILL FESTIVAL 2010- Waarschoot, Belgium

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Beastmaster (1982)

what a score! I found this on DVD for $3.99. A favorite of mine from way back in my Venusian days, Marc Singer, John Amos, and Rip Torn star in this badass Conan style fantasy film from the director of Phantasm, Don Coscarelli!



I'm not gonna give you a total play by play on this one, b/c I think it totally deserves a look up or a rental or whatever. I dug it so much, I'm gonna look for Beastmaster 2 (which is most probably terrible). Anyway, to give you the brief rundown here, Rip Torn (Mayax) is like a big shit sorcerer, and he works for this King Zed. Zed's wife is pregnant, and these witches that work for him tell him that the King's unborn son is gonna kill him. So Mayax is like, "bullshit, I'll kill him first" and he sends one of the witches to kill the baby (still inside the mother). The witch transports the baby from the womb of the queen to a cow's belly, kills the queen, and they lock Zed up for years. The witch gets the baby from the cow and brands his hand and is about to sacrifice him when this old peasant dude comes outta the woods and chops her with this handy little boomerang blade thing. Then he raises Marc Singer (Dar) as his own. When Dar is a teenager, his old man notices that Dar has psychic powers with animals and tells him he's special. Fast forward, and this gang of assholes called the Junn Horde burns Dar's village to the ground, killing his dad and his dog. So he goes off to kill them and meets a black lion, a black magic hawk, 2 cute little ferrets, an unbelievably hot redheaded chick named Kiri (who he bangs, and then later finds out its his own cousin, but they never say shit about it. hey, if its good for Jerry Lee Lewis, right?). Later on he meets John Amos and some kid who is his little brother. Seeing John Amos in this makes me wanna watch "Coming To America" really bad. This flick has beautiful scenery, rad views, animal telepathy, animal sight kinda like in Thundercats with the sword of omens, rings with fucking eyeballs in them, witches, Rip Torn with braids and skull bow-bows, these Bird worshipping dudes that can wrap their arm/wing/talons around someone and suck them dry til there is only bones left, and these berzerker dudes with toxic green leech earwigs driving them insane



one thing bothers me about the film upon further review.. at the end when Dar is fighting the main Junn Horde dude that looks like the guy from the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon with the big headdress, why doesn't he use his freakin animal psychic powers on that dudes horse?? He could have just told the horse to dump his ass in the fuckin fiery moat, know what I'm sayin? Also, one other cool thing, our good friends in the NC band Caltrop named a song off of their last album "Junn Horde". They are awesome, check them out. And if you dig sword and sorcery flicks, this has you written all over it. I personally prefer it to both Conan flicks... more soon prettys!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Moonraker (1979)

the 11th James Bond flick, Roger Moore takes the franchise all over the fucking world and I guess you could say "out of this world". This rewatching may have just changed my favorite Bond film from Octopussy to Moonraker. This one's got it all.



This one starts out with a space shuttle (the Moonraker) being hijacked by a couple of dudes. The shuttle is being transported on top of a plane, and when the rockets ignite, it burns the plane to bits. The shuttle was on loan to the UK from the US. Bond is on a mission somewhere and gets attacked by a pilot in a different plane. Then Jaws comes outta no where and pushes Bond outta the plane with no 'chute. James nosedives to the pilot and steals his fucking 'chute midair! Then Jaws tries to grab him, but fails and falls into a circus tent (presumably surviving). M & Q call James in and send him to California to see Drax, the company and dude who built the shuttle.
This hot pilot gives him a tour, then introduces him to Drax who couldn't be more of a douche. Then he's sent off with Holly Goodhead an astronaut. She shows him a centrifuge and Drax's main bodyguard Chang tries to kill James by turning up the juice. But James uses this wrist gun Q gave him to put the ki-bosh on that plan.
Then James bangs the pilot and splits to investigate. She comes in & helps him find a glass vial made in Venice in the safe, but Chang spots them. The next morning, James is invited shoot quail with Drax, and instead he shoots a sniper out of a fucking tree foiling another attempt on his life. Then he splits. Then Drax sics his dogs on the pilot and she's history. Bond sees Goodhead in Venice, and is like, wtf? and then he gets chased by Drax's droogs thru the canals. His gondola transforms into like a hovercraft and he escapes driving it thru the famous Piazza San Marcon. After he finds this lab, and snoops around, these scientists drop one of the vials and kill themselves. So he figures out that the vials contain some deadly gas. He stashes one in his pocket. Then Chang tries to kill him. He throws him out a fucking window. Then he bangs Goodhead & tells her he knows she's with the CIA. Then Drax makes a call to hire Jaws. Then he tries to bust Drax, but Drax moved all his shit to Rio De Janeiro. M and the other head MI-6 dude are pissed and embarrassed, but Bond gives M the vial for Q to analyze. M says go to Rio and don't come back until shit is savvy. So Bond goes to Rio, and immediately bangs his hot contact Manuela. Then he catches up with Goodhead again, after she split on him in Venice. They are trying to get down off a mountain, and Jaws attacks them on a cable car. They kick his ass, and Jaws gets rescued by this tough scandinavian blonde chick. They fall in love. Then James is rolling around in the grass with Goodhead and they're captured by Drax's henchman. But Goodhead gives the dude the eyes in the back of the ambulance while Bond kicks a fire extinguisher making it go off in the dudes face. Then they roll out the back on a hill, and the dude crashes into a billboard. Bond has escaped. He reports back to MI-6 in Brazil dressed like Eastwood in Fist Full of Dollars, and they tell him the gas comes from a rare orchid deadly to humans found on the Amazon river. Bond goes looking for it, and is chased by Jaws and more dicks. James shoots bombs out of his fancy boat, and then takes off in a fucking hang glider before the boat goes over these huge waterfalls. Jaws goes over. James finds Drax's hideout, filled to the brim with trim if you know what i mean. Then Jaws grabs him, takes him to watch the show. 4 Moonrakers take off, and they tie James and Goodhead to the bottom of the 5th one and Drax explains that he stole the other shuttle cause one of his others had faulty wiring or something. They plan to burn the agents up on liftoff. James of course escapes, and the two jump aboard the 6th shuttle. Then while all of the are going into space...(luckily Goodhead had all that astronaut training) they dock on a space station that doesn't show up on the radar. You finally hear Drax explain his plan to bring all these genetically "perfect" couples to the space station to start a new "master race", ejecting all the globes of poison gas around the earth to kill everyone else and replace them with his new "race". James and Goodhead go up and disable the radar jamming thing. Then when they are caught, James asks Drax one last thing, "will everyone not meeting standards be annihilated too?" And Jaws freaks out cause of his teeth, and "Dolly's" glasses, and their weird heights, so he just starts beating the shit outta the guards. Then theres a huge space battle with laser guns. I forgot to mention a huge snake fight, and the one agent using a laser gun to melt a mexican dummy's head. Then they have to go collect the poison globes, and escape, and goddamnit, just rent it, ok? Its incredible.

new tshirt design

bad/awesome flixxx review: Trancers (1985)

"His name is Deth. He hunts Trancers. Even in the 20th Century." Such is the tag line of this totally amazing flick that I remember hearing about years ago either on like Joe Bob Brigg's Drive-In Theater or USA's Up All Nite with either Gilbert Godfried or Rhonda Sheridan. Hopefully it was Sheridan. Rrrowr.



Totally got more than I bargained for with this little gem. I do remember hearing about it, but at the time not giving a shit. How was I to know that this flick resembles the same kind of sci fi noir vibe of any Philip K. Dick book (of whom which I'm currently obsessed with)? Much like a cross between Blade Runner and Terminator, the story starts out with a "trooper" dressed in long beige detective duster coat named Jack Deth. He's out checking for "Trancers" in the 23rd century with a pistol and a little device he slaps on their wrists. Trancers are people whos minds are taken over by a criminal psychic named Martin Whistler. So somehow, after catching and 'retiring' a trancer, the three main judges in Angel City (LA in the future) call a meeting with Jack. They tell him that somehow Whistler has found a way to be ported from his own body back into one of his ancestors bodies back in 1985. There he plans to kill the ancestors of the judges who put him away. So they are freaking out and decide to send Jack back in time to save their own lives. Before he splits, he shoots the body of Whistler so that he can't be sent back "down the line". If Jack kills him in the past, hopefully he'll be stuck and die. Then they give Jack a special watch that gives him a "long second" in case he gets in trouble. He can push a button on it and slow down time and possibly escape a sticky situation. This is very reminiscent of the package given to the dude trying to save his wife and the religious figure in Philip K. Dick's book Counter Clock World. So he splits back to 1985 and hunts down Whistler. His ancestor's girlfriend just happens to be Helen Hunt. She's pretty bangin in the flick, but then again, she's always been pretty bangin. No reason to tell any more really, I highly recommend looking up this super bad awesome title. For a little more info, I looked it up, and there's been 5 sequels so far, all staring Tim Thomerson as Jack Deth except for Trancers 6 which was supposedly about his daughter. And everyone says its dogshit. There is a petition online to get Charles Band, the original director to direct Trancers 7, which some dude wrote a screenplay for. I signed it b/c fuck it, you know? If you want to sign it, go here: TRANCERS 7
Enjoy partyers! and thanx for the comments and suggestions! Keep em coming!!
yrs, Valient Himself

bad/awesome flixxx review: Conquest (1983)

perhaps the WORST WORST movie I've ever seen EVER. with probably the BEST movie posters I've ever seen. I seriously started and tried to get through this movie over 10 times with no success... until today. Separating the men from the boys, I give you Lucio Fulci's CONQUEST.



well, where to start. wow. wow wow wow. First of all, this is the foggiest movie of all time, and I'm not just talking about the script. They must've filmed with fog machines running constantly. The landscapes in the flick are beautiful. Apparently Fulci split to Mexico to film most of the scenes. There's some cool shit in the beginning where they film a scene twice, once with the actors and once with just the background so that they could fade the actors away and make it look like a dream. It starts off with this old man giving his son (Illias) a bow that was handed down from Kronos. And its a magic bow, but the kid has to learn how to use it so he can shoot lasers from it. Then cut to a scene where there are some hill people praying to the sun, and this chick (Okrun) is standing on the hill and chanting, so everyone thinks she is the one making the sun rise. She is mostly naked and wears a Golden Destro mask like from GI Joe. Ok, so when the sun comes up, her henchman, which are dudes in black destro masks, dudes in monkey masks, and some talking werewolves chase the hill people into a cave and ask them for a sacrifice. This old man is like, "take me" and the werewolf goes "no way, we only like young flesh" and then smashes the old man's head open and it looks like a pizza! Then they grab this naked chick who's covered in gray paint, and they rip her in half by pulling her legs apart. Then they take her head back to Okrun, who smashes the head open and drinks the brains out like a crunk chalice. Then the werewolves smoke this powder, and blow some into Okruns nose, and then she masterbates with a snake, and has a vision of Illias with no face shooting her chest open with a laser arrow. AND THATS ALL IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES!! so you can see how i THOUGHT this was gonna be a killer flick. I was wrong. ok, so then we see this hill chick by the water, and a snake is about to get her, but Illias shoots it thru the head with an arrow, with henchman watching him. They are blown away by his bow, and they decide to steal it. The chick runs away, and they attack him. Then this old guy comes outta no where with some weird rabbit foot nunchucks and beats the shit outta the werewolves.



the old dude is named Mayx. He's a traveler with babes here and there. He has fake birds that fly around a show him the way. The chick tries to kill them over and over, trapping them in caves and whatever. Then when she fails, she transforms this dog into this ultimate killing god who looks like he raided Rob Halfords wardrobe. His name is Zora. Zora sends a bunch of water mummies and snow gleeps to try and kill our heros, and eventually they kill Illias, but when Okrun tries to eat his brains, his eyes open proving his spirit lives on. This was achieved when Mayx burned his body and covered his own body in his ashes. Then he just goes to the hill, and summons the bow, which flies thru the air into his hand and bang, he kills her and she and Zora turn back into wolf dogs, and run away into the sunset. Fuck man. If you love burning poisoned pussy skin boils, fighting shapeshifters, creepy ol snow gleeps, snake masterbation, wookie-like werewolves, titties, ambushes, and laser arrows, well, download this somewhere.



and if you can't find it, don't worry, i could probably be arrested for boring you all to death if you could actually make it through it. Ladies and gentleman, the worst movie I've ever seen. thank you.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Deadbeat At Dawn (1987)

Pretty much the total opposite of the last movie I reviewed (Rockers), this movie is not awesome at all, and almost 100% bad. let's say it's 99% terrible, but still has just enough moments of excellence that make it perfect for review. Dudes and other dudes, i present you with DEADBEAT AT DAWN.



Man, this is a stinker. Don't get me wrong, there's enough shit in here to keep me interested, but its pretty fucking heinous. Often suggested (many times by my old buddy Raf) Deadbeat At Dawn is set in Dayton, Ohio, and even though it was written, directed, and produced by the main character Goose (Jim Van Bebber) in 1987, it looks like it was made after the apocalypse happened. I mean I've seen old footage of Akron, but you really start to get a feel for these old burned out cities when watching this flick. The story starts out with a chick speaking with a psychic. She says something that doesn't matter at all, basically you're supposed to dig that this chick is into some voodoo shit. Then when she's trying to split, this bad looking dude grabs her and forces her into a car. The dude is Danny, the leader of a gang called the Spiders. The chick is Christie, the girlfriend of Goose, the leader of rival gang- The Ravens. A cop saves the Christie, but Danny gets away. Then, word gets back to The Ravens and they go to the cemetary to make a move on the Spiders. Danny hates the fucking Ravens bad. So Danny and Goose have it out knife fight style in the cemetary. Goose gets his hand and face cut, but he beats the shit out of Danny. Everyone gets away. Christie cleans Goose up, but then he splits and beats a dude up and steals a motorcycle. Christie tells him she's gonna leave him if he doesn't quit the life. So he says fuck it, and quits the Ravens. Then he goes out to make one last deal (selling a huge block of speed) so that they'll have some bread to start a new life. While he's out, 2 of Danny's goons go over to the pad and murder Christie. On the way over, some of the best dialogue EVER happens which is this:

ok, so then Goose wraps her bloody carcass in a sheet and throws her in a fucking trash compactor! Then he goes across town and breaks into his dad's apartment which is just fucking filthy. His dad is a fucked up Vietnam Vet who is freaking out and turns out to be a junkie. Heavy scene showing him shooting up into his toes made me gag. Then Goose is all feeling sorry for himself, and he tries to kill himself, but his 2nd in command (who's now the leader of the Ravens) shows up and beats the crap out of him and tells him the gangs have now joined forces and theyre gonna rob an armored car. And I won't ruin the ending for ya, but there's a good bit of ass kicking and blood splattering left. The budget was low, so you don't get a dude thrown into a moving train like you REALLY want... but there are some dream sequences with dead girlfriend skeletons, and snakes everywhere, and some nunchucks, and throwing stars... Not sure how to rate this one. I mean, it WAS torture to sit through, but that's sort of the criteria for this, isn't it? Wow, I don't know. I'll bet if i didn't watch this totally sober, it may have been better. How can I sum this movie up? Two words: Kaleidascope transitions.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Rockers (1978)

Nothing at all "bad" about this film/pseudo-documentary. Only awesome... Set in Kingston, Jamaica in 1978, ROCKERS follows Leroy "Horsemouth" Johnson (the drummer for Burning Spear) around while he's hustling "like rain drops".



A near perfect flick, ROCKERS began as a documentary of the booming reggae/dub scene in Jamaica in the late 70s. The film features many dudes from the period many call the "peak" of that scene including Burning Spear, Gregory Isaacs, and one of my favorites Big Youth. The cinematography is simultaneously beautiful and unique and the subtlety in which some of the scenes are shot is genius. Looking it up, apparently this dude Ted Bafaloukos didn't make anymore movies. That's a shame. Story follows Horsemouth (a session drummer) while he's trying to borrow enough money from buddies and his old lady to buy himself a motorcycle. He figures he can make some bread if can sell 45s for the record company. But first he needs wheels. And then after he gets the wheels, first and foremost, he must get the Lion of Judah painted on the side. Then "Iman" goes to the record company to convince the man to give him 200 records to sell. When he gets them, he goes around selling 45s to the shops in Kingston. Then he goes to a party, and his bike gets stolen! Then he's bummed. Basically the plot moves from "the Bicycle Thief" to "Robin Hood". One of the best scenes is when he's bummed out and he goes to his buddies house to tell him someone "thiefed" his bike. His buddy says, "I and I will go out, fuck it." and they go down to the river and sit on the bank and light up 2 joints, and then his buddy sings him a song. Its so KILLER! Highly recommended for a laid back stoney night. Here's a bonus clip from the movie. Its a scene where Kiddus I is in the studio recording vocal tracks. His voice is so powerful. cheer up cheer up cheer up Rockers!!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Thriller: A Cruel Picture (or "They Call Her One Eye") (1974)

Alahoyus everyone. Today, I tackled a monster of a horrible flick. Horrible because it was horrible, and horrible because what happens to the chick in the movie is pretty heinous to boot. The first movie ever banned in Sweden, Broskeeto's and a's, I give you THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE. (the trailer is for the dubbed for English version renamed THEY CALL HER ONE EYE.)



I had heard about this flick for quite some time after the release of KILL BILL, b/c it was supposedly a big influence on Tarantino's double feature. THRILLER just so happens to be the nastiest femme fatale rape and revenge flick I've ever seen. Its so rough, that when they dubbed it in in English, they took most of the penetration scenes out and renamed it. The story goes that there's this little girl, and she's running up to this old dude in the park... He picks her up, swings her around in the air in slow motion, and then blood starts coming out of his mouth. Then they arrest him. Simple as that. You don't even know what happened until the next scene, fast forward 15 years, and she's selling milk on her parents farm to gossiping old ladies who say, "isnt it a shame how she was raped 15 years ago. and also isn't it horrible that now she's mute." Yeah its that bad. So she actually has no dialogue throughout the whole movie. Her old man goes, "why don't you catch the bus and take the weekend off". She misses the bus and is picked up by the slick dude who takes her out for drinks. Then he takes her home and drugs her. Then she wakes up 3 days later, tries to run away, he knocks her out and drugs her again. When she wakes up again, its been over a week, and he tells her she's hooked on heroin and he'll give her 2 hits a day to survive as long as she does what she's told. She tries to split again. Then she's too weak to get away, the cycle begins again. When she wakes up for her first "assignment", she's to pork this old dude, but she scratches his face all up. Then the pimp dude comes in and cuts out her eye. So she complies. She meets the other chick, who's been there a while... Then she starts saving her bread, and takes karate lessons, driving lessons, shooting lessons, and hand to hand combat from some army dudes. (No word on how or why she's being let split from her fuck cave). Then one day the pimp dude says the other chick left for Beirut, but One Eye goes to the chicks room and the bed's covered in blood. Then more training, then more sex. Then more training, then more sex. Then over weeks, and weeks and montage after montage of dirty, D grade porn penetration shots and her getting beaten up by johns (and a "jane") intermitten with her training to kill all these dudes, she buys a car and a bunch of skag to last her, and then goes about her business of killing. I won't ruin that skree, but hear me out, there are some pretty weird scenes that come up. The choice of slow motion for all the killing is very strange. I reminds me a bit of peckinpah, but they go on for SOOOO long... there's seriously a 6 or 7 minute slow motion scene of an ass kicking she gives some cops just so she can steal their cop car. The blood spurting out of the mouths kind of reminds me of the slo-mo shots that guy ritchie used in SNATCH. Was it worth it? Yeah, I always like to see the really bad guys fucking die horrible deaths, but the end is kinda weak, and left me with a few questions. Really, if I had it to do over again, I wouldve watched the dubbed version and not had to see the gratuitous stuff... not that i don't enjoy dirty things... but this was some really awfully shot love making. stay classy.

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Mechanic (1972)

alahoyus brollums y broskeetas. here before you lies an amazing gem of a movie. I was trying to remember when and where I first encountered this tale the other day when watching it for the first time in many years with Sadat Thorr. Today, I give you Charles Bronson and Jan Micheal Vincent in "The Mechanic". (Don't be confused by the trailer, when it was rereleased overseas, it was retitled "Killer of Killers".)



The Mechanic was the first collaboration between director Micheal Winner and good ol Chuck Bronson. They went on to create the classic vigilante series "Death Wish". This flick however was a bit more stylish, albeit a bit typical in the "hired killer" genre. I personally dig this one better than Death Wish and its sequels. Bronson plays Arthur Bishop, a hired killer who is starting to feel over the hill after he suffers an anxiety attack that makes him faint at an aquarium after some little kids are clanging pipes against a railing. Bishop's father got him into the business, and when he is forced to put a hit against his father's old business partner, he inadvertently strikes up a friendship with the hit's son (Jan Micheal Vincent). Vincent is curious about Bishop and tags along with him, chiding him and trying to figure out what Bishop's "action" is. Bishop brings him along for a couple days until he trusts him and then eventually lets him in on the secret, thinking he could use some help after his accident. But his bosses don't dig it, and then the flick gets good. Let's see, we have some elaborate kills with meticulous planning, a badass motorcycle chase, a speed boat chase, airplane loopdy loop tricks, an Italian mountain car chase, lots of falling off cliffs, scuba diving, shotguns, pistols, sniper rifles, automatic weapons, tons of explosions, kung fu, teenage suicide, and tons more. I can't recommend this enough. Definitely a fun flick if you dig bounty hunter movies. more coming soon!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Legion (2010)

hello everyone. ive been watching a lot of steve martin, chevy chase, martin short, john candy, and dan akroyd flicks lately, and they are awesome, and i guess in some ways, they can be bad... but they aren't the type of flicks that i would review on here, just because they are too awesome. these flicks are awesome in a different way. So for my bday a few weeks back, an old friend took me out to see a movie that NO ONE else wanted to see, that somehow i KNEW was going to be perfect. i wasn't disappointed. LEGION.



Talk about a confusing plot. Im going to start this off by letting everyone know that in the past, Ive let some spoilers slip in hopes that people WOULD actually track down some of these movies so that they are worth talking about. Ive never really reviewed a new movie, and I don't wanna ruin it for anyone, so I will not let anything slip here. But, there's plenty to talk about. How about the fact that one of the main characters is the little kid from SLINGBLADE all growns up!! It took me all of 10 minutes to place that thick drawl, and then I spent the rest of the movie trying to figure out if it had really been long enough for that little kid to be this old looking. He really sprouted! Or else, he was old already in slingblade. who cares. Another thing I dig is Apocalypse flicks, and that's the whole deal with this one. Randy Quaid owns a diner and some people get stuck out in it during the end of times. God is over it, and he sends Micheal (one of his main angels) to eradicate the human race. But Micheals like, waitaminnit... this is bullshit God. So he chops his fucking wings off, breaks into some warehouse with hundreds of machine guns, fills an LAPD squad car with them, and then hits the road to the desert. Anyway, skipping forward, let's just say Gabriel doesn't like Micheals attitude, and we have a setup for a fucking hectic sequel. Cussing Grannies, black clouds, confusing plots... this one is definitely shitty and awesome rolled into one. highly recommended especially if you can check it at a 1.50 screening. word.

Valient Thorr Tour w/ Mastodon, BTBAM, & Baroness!!

Alahoyus to all! just posted a shitload of new dates for the VOLCOM TOUR 2010 featuring MASTODON, BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME, BARONESS, and yes, your favorite Venusians, VALIENT THORR. We are super psyched to do this tour with all these great bands, especially in TONS of cities that we've never even played in. Touring 250+ shows a year for 6 years, and you'd think that we've hit every spot, but there are ALWAYS more spots. And a few of these spots we've only been to a few times, so this is a special treat for us. Another cool thing is its close enough to some of our regular stomping grounds that tried and true THORRIORS can hop in a rig and haul ass for a little road trip action. We'll be playing cuts from our new album that will be finished (not released, but finished) by the time we hit the road. Can't wait to see you all out there! Help us spread the word! Add us on facebook and twitter to keep up with updates straight from my earth communicator device.!!

http://www.facebook.com/valientthorr
http://www.twitter.com/valientthorr

more very soon!
valient himself

Apr. 16 - Charleston, SC - Music Farm
Apr. 17 - Raleigh, NC - Lincoln Theater
Apr. 18 - Richmond, VA - The National
Apr. 20 - Baltimore, MD - Rams Head
Apr. 21 - Sayreville, NJ - Starland Ballroom
Apr. 22 - Hartford, CT - Webster
Apr. 23 - Worcester, MA - Palladium
Apr. 24 - Burlington, VT - Higher Ground
Apr. 26 - Pittsburgh, PA - Palace Theater
Apr. 27 - Rochester, NY - Water Street
Apr. 29 - Grand Rapids, MI - Orbit Room
Apr. 30 - Indianapolis, IN - Vogue
May 01 - Columbia, MO - Blue Note -
May 03 - Albuquerque, NM Sunshine Theater
May 04 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto
May 05 - San Diego, CA - House Of Blues
May 07 - Pomona, CA - Fox
May 08 - Oakland, CA - [to be announced]
May 09 - Reno, NV - Knitting Factory
May 10 - Eugene, OR - McDonald Theater
May 11 - Spokane, WA - Knitting Factory
May 13 - Billings, MT - The Shrine
May 14 - Fargo, ND - The Venue
May 15 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Hall
May 16 - Lawrence, KS - Liberty Hall
May 18 - Madison, WI - Orpheum
May 19 - Urbana, IL - Canopy Club
May 20 - Memphis, TN - Minglewood
May 21 - Knoxville, TN - Valarium
May 22 - Lexington, KY - Busters

Tickets go on sale on Friday, February 12

chuck bronson

this ones for the true believer.

golden fox, red coyote, blue raccoon process #2

golden fox, red coyote, blue raccoon process

wilmington- strictly 4 muh rekkids

get it?

A Real Crusher

seriously... really wanted to come up with a crusher... all i could get out was, "nadda finga!"

bad/awesome flixxx review: Maniac (1980)

alahoyus once again yall and yinzers. Im back with another dose of pure heinous that seems to go down so sweet. Today's nugget of brilliance, the 1980 slasher Maniac.



This turned out to be a great flick to watch @ night, under the covers. Now, that's not saying its a great flick. Maniac is the story of the big slob schizoid serial killer named Frank Zito. The film starts out with him breathing heavily and spying on this couple on the beach. After the chick nags her dude to go get some wood for the fire, Zito leaps in, stabs the shit outta her, and then strangles the dude until blood is dripping from his sneaks. This is a pretty graphic flick by the way. Then we have ol Frank frightened awake by god knows what, into a room full of candles lit around a pic of some chick. In the bed next to him is what appears to be a bloody mannequin. Frank looks at some cigarette burns on his chest, dresses and then goes out on the prowl. First he lets a hooker lure him into a scummy hotel, then he eventually strangles her while having hallucinations that she is some other chick that he has presumably strangled. Then he has a minor freakout, and then he scalps the whore. then cut to a scene where he is carrying something to his apartment. In his apartment, he starts to unwrap, yep another mannequin, while talking to himself with inner and outer monologue about how she or he shouldnt go out, but they will, and theyll keep doing bad, and no ones gonna catch them, and more heavy breathing, and more crazy talk. All the while he's dressing the mannequin in the whores clothes and then for the icing on the cake, he puts the scalp on the mannequin, then goes out for more. Ok, so then, best scene of the movie, he goes to a disco, still yammering on about fancy women and richers and how theyll all get theirs, hangs out outside, spots a couple, and then follows them. Then the couple drives to like the verrazano bridge, and the dude turns out to be the motorcycle guy from dawn of the dead! he was in some other shit too- um, from dusk til dawn, and creepshow. whatever, anyway, he tells the chick to get in the backseat, then theyre making out, and ol frank creeps up and shes sees him, freaks out. she says lets split, and then they get in the frontseat, then {best scene in the movie} ol frank jumps on the hood of the car, points the gun at the dudes head- pulls the trigger and BAM!! a slow motion head explosion that makes the one in Scanners look like crap! I said "FUCKIN SHIT!!" outloud when i saw it. Heavy rad stuff. after that, as always, im reluctant to give away the ending unless its just truly not worth watching. theres a couple more good murders and lots more heavy breathing and freakouts from ol frank. A couple hot babes too. Would i look hard for it? Hell no. Would i get stoned and watch it w/ some dudes or a babe again? total.
more soon. yours, valient.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Thunderbolt and Lightfoot (1974)

alahoyus hombres! and fancy ladies! I dug this old vhs out of my collection last night. What a rad old movie! Clint Eastwood, Jeff Bridges, George Kennedy, and some guy who looks like one of the dudes from Simon and Simon in: THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT



I wish all flicks were this good. Great actors, pretty great little story, filmed well. Everyone knows George Kennedy from COOL HAND LUKE, but he did a couple great films with Clint including one of my favs THE EIGER SANCTION. This flick starts off in a church where apparently Clint is preacher, then about a minute into it, some thug comes in to blow him away. He splits out the back and hauls ass. Meanwhile, a young jeff bridges steals a badass camaro (i think) from a dealership, speeds off. then he almost kills clint. clint jumps in, knocks his arm outta socket on accident. they hit it off. They switch cars, get some whores, then keep running from these 2 dudes who are trying to kill them. Turns out, clint used to be a bank robber, and the dudes chasing are his old partners, who thinks he shit them. Clint hid the bread in an old school house. They go to get it, but the school house is gone. Chase ensues where the thugs catch up with them. Clint beats the piss outta them. Then he explains. Theyre all broke and don't know what to do. The big heist they did in the first place was the Montana Armory. So the kid (bridges) suggests they do the same thing again. He and Kennedy don't get along at all. But they decide its a good plan and go into town and get jobs. Then they somehow buy a fucking anti tank machine gun (??!!?) and Clint puts together this elaborate plan to break into the place. I won't ruin the rest of it. There's a couple twists in there, a great chase, and a hectic ending. Highly recommended. You can probably find this and many of these flicks i review for cheap on ebay. If you still have a vcr. Or whatever. Many more coming soon. Ive been lazy as shit over the holidays and i watched a bunch of flicks. Excelsior!

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Octagon (1980)

Merry After Xmas folks... I finally got around to watching this, and it took me 2 sittings to stomach and force myself through it. Chuck Norris, and Lee Van Cleef in: The Octagon.



ok. i bought this @ a Flying J truckstop for 2.99. Somewhere in the middle of the country... i have no idea where, b/c all of those Flying J's, T&A's, Pilots, etc. look the same. But this one had a brand new shipment of these dvd's in the flatcards. Hundreds of them, and hardly any were the same. I only stood there for a second, and most of them looked like shit, but this one's cover stood out. How tuff does that look, right?? WRONG!!
For all intents and purposes, i think this movie is supposed to be about a training camp for terrorists run by a bunch of ninjas (who aren't supposed to exist anymore) and simultaneously led by Chuck's estranged half-brother. Ok. well, it starts off good enough, with a mansion and a car pulling out, and 2 chicks with a runaway baby carriage, when the driver jumps out to see if the baby is hurt, the chicks pull out machine guns and fucking slaughter the driver and the dude who he was driving. And they used a shit load of blood packets, so you'd think these dudes were important too, but nope, they hardly mention them again except that they were victims of a terror attack. So, next scene, we're @ some banquet for some chick, and there's our hero, and his buddy, no explanation why they are there. Norris wants the chick, at the afterparty, he says 2 words to her, then BANG! she's off for drinks with him. Ok, so only later to you get some kind of idea that there's a karate convention in town, no idea why this chick was singing at it, AND you never see any of the karate matches. I still have no idea if im right about that. They vaguely mention it, b/c everyone is hounding Chuck about not fighting b/c he "accidently" hurt someone years ago. Anyway, i forgot to mention that Chuck is a schizofrenic in this one too. Every five minutes he keeps hearing voices with an annoying double layered Echoplex that is like him arguing with himself & explaining (poorly) whether he should fight or not. So back to the "story". That chick is killed in 5 minutes (by ninja). A huge gang of rednecks are trucked out into the desert to train in the ninja style. One badass ninja keeps beating the shit out of the rednecks to "teach" them. Lee Van Cleef tries to convince Chuck to avenge the chicks death. He says no. Some old chick breaks down, and Chuck tries to help her. Then she splits leaving him stranded. He has her card so he shows up at her house. He smells a rat. He calls her bluff. She wants the ninjas killed but she's shady. The buddy falls for her, and is jealous of Chuck. He thinks Chuck is a pussy and goes after the ninja himself. Chuck tries to infiltrate the ninja school. They know who he is. He whoops some ass. A 3rd love interest redneck chick defects from the Ninja (somehow). She tells chuck she wants to help him. She takes her shirt off. He bangs her. Ninjas break in. Its taking him WAAAAY to long to "convince himself in his head that he can believe himself" that his brother Sekurya is training terrorists. Then the old chick is murdered. Then FINALLY, chuck and the 3rd chick fly to japan or wherever, and chuck goes to avenge all the chicks deaths, find his buddy and stop his brother. The last 15 minutes of the movie are all you need to watch. As a matter of fact, 99% of the trailer comes from the last 5 minutes of the flick! Then you finally get to see some explosions and whatever. It really wasnt worth it. You'll never get your time back from this one, but in its defense, i did watch this completely sober. Im sure it may have been a bit better stoned. maybe. have a great new year yall!

bad/awesome flixxx review: William Sanderson edition (Fight For Your Life & Blade Runner)

welcome welcome. its been a while. you can easily tell the months that we are on tour by checking how many posts i put on the ol vloggg. oct/nov had one apiece. that means im busy as shit. otherwise, im just lounging around watching bad movies and painting or writing. anyway, welcome back to me. i just unintentionally watched a couple movies with ol William Sanderson in them. You may remember him from Newhart. He was Larry w/ his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl. Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. Remember them? he was the one who spoke. Anyway, a while ago i heard about this movie someone said i "HAD" to watch for the vloggg. I downloaded it. Yeah, i downloaded it, what of it? you'll never find the goddamn thing any other way. While we were driving thru the alps last month, i watched it. Terrible, awful, horrible racist language, yet an intruiging story that probably would NEVER be made today.

it starts out w/ a truck full of inmates getting run off the road, then the 3 of them bashing a flatfoot over his gordon when he goes to check on them. they then snake his pistol and escape to the suburbs with dreams of skipping the country to canada then flying to paris? anyway, typical plot really, i guess what makes this one so brutal is not only sandersons dialogue delivery but maybe just the fact that this is so classic grindhouse that it almost seems to good to be true. Sanderson plays the main baddy Jesse Kane, and he's a sadistic care-less motherfucker. they knock over a liquor store and this cute little black girl is buying wine for a dinner party her family is having. they kidnap her and go back to her place, and there's where the film takes its name. The family is a pacifist preacher Ted Turner's family. Theres a brief unexplained scene where apparently they are inviting the white girlfriend of their dead vet son over for this dinner. the unnecessary cut scene shows this dude making out hard with this white girl in front of a fireplace with very quick shots of their car careening around a very curvy road. its ridiculous, and i guess youre supposed to get that the mother hates this chick and blames her for their sons death in this car accident. but i digress. The preacher dad is a stick in the mud, and wont stand up to these bad dudes, kane, a chinese guy, and a spanish guy. they basically hold the family hostage, call them every racist thing they can think of, and then rape the daughter. the young sons friend almost gets to tell the cops, but gets caught and gets his face bashed in in the woods. Also, the white chick gets raped and thrown over a waterfall. well, finally Preacher "Turd Turnip" gets some balls and they get the best of Kane. He gets his neck shot off in the end. Literally. Hard to watch if you don't like racist language, and seeing little kids get smashed in the face with bricks, but pretty good if you like video nasties.



Now, remember that list of movies i was talking about last time? the one where everyone has a list of flicks that everyone has seen but you? well, i just tackled another on my list. Now, in my defense, ive tried many times to watch this one, only to pass out or just lose interest after a few moments. ive recently come to find out that many people LOVE this movie, and many consider it a piece of shit. AND that is why there are no less than 5 versions of the same movie out there. I chose to watch the very first OG version... simply because it was supposedly the closest to the book, which i just read, which made me want to finally sit down and see this fucker.
"Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Philip K. Dick was made into BLADERUNNER by Ridley Scott.

The reason i chose to watch the OG version was b/c everyone said this is the one that had Dekkard's narration or inner monologue. Supposedly it was cut from the newer versions. And those are all you can find on DVD. Maybe there is one of the og ones out there, but i found it on vhs for a dollar, so whatever. The Sanderson connection is that he plays JF Sebastian, instead of the counterpart in the book JR Isadore. God knows WHY he would change such a very simple name like that. The character was a bit different, but not SO much. Apparently i should watch the directors cut and the final cut too now, b/c they have different endings. hmmm. well, anyway, i guess when i was younger i wanted my sci-fi to have space battles and shit like that, and now i realize that most of these sci-fi dudes were storytellers telling grim tales of a future that COULD very well come true, because they are about ideologies rather than cowboy shootemups... i guess i can appreciate this better. I highly recommend the book, there is a whole lot more to the book, i mean they couldnt very well put a few of the parts in the flick and make it make sense, but it is pretty good... and I wanna thank Beeby for getting me into it via graphic novel, and Jason for purchasing a copy of the novel for me. Anyone not familiar with the story, here the movie version: Retired cop Dekkard was the best at retiring androids who've escaped from being slaves on mars and come back to earth where they are illegal. There are 4 he has to kill... his old boss (M. EMMETT WALSH!!) cons him into coming back to retire this latest crop- the NEXUS 6. a highly advanced model, they give him the business. and so it goes from there. i won't ruin it for ya. just try to make it through it. took me fucking years.... but i will say, i was finally worth it. MURRY XMASS EVERYBODY!!! more coming soon!