bad/awesome flixxx review: Space Rage (1985)

"I'll help ya, ya sorry sonofabitch"- The Colonel

"Fuck you"- Grange

"I tried to stop em, but I just couldn't do it- uuggggggh."- Walker


Well, this is one of the rarer of the flicks I've found on VHS out on my exploits. I found this one in the same pile as Fire and Ice in Richmond at the thrift store. I had reservations about even buying this one, but once again, I'm glad I did. Worth every penny of the 99 cent paid, Space Rage is a "space" western that pretty much throws you for a loop. You think its gonna suck from the cover and you're kind of right, but like my old man always says about records, even if there's only one good song on it, its worth a dollar. He was and continues to be correct. No one is hurting for that dollar, and it may very well provide you with an hour and a halfs worth of stony enjoyment. The title is really SPACE RAGE: ESCAPE FROM THE PRISON PLANET. I couldn't find a trailer for it, but I found this short clip of an action chase scene that happens near the end, just as the "action" is heating up. There also aren't very many pics of the flick except the poster and a few other countries posters, and a lone promo shot of John Laughlin. So yeah, judging from the distribution alone, I'm guessing most folks haven't seen this one. Richard Farnsworth, John Laughlin, and Micheal Pare "star" in SPACE RAGE!!!





So, first of all, the title is very misleading. You read Space Rage, and you think, this is going to be some kind of spaceship opera akin to Star Wars, Trek, Battlestar, something like that... Although, you are expecting of course it to be a B version of that. BUT, this flick starts out with a pony tailed actor (the guy from Eddie and the Cruiser's II) trying to split after robbing a bank. He gets caught and acts like a dick the whole time, so they ship his ass off to Proxima Centauri (Botany Bay planet) which is a prison mining planet. Not sure why it needs all those names. I guess to confuse us on purpose. As soon as they get there dude's are trying to escape. It seems like a regular occurance. A bounty hunter named Walker is there to catch the escapees and haul them back to the base. There's no gates or walls because they're basically stuck on this planet.
There's also an irish cop, a black cop, and an old guy named the Colonel. The colonel used to be a cop but he got stabbed when he couldn't load his shotgun fast enough so he retired. But they all still respect him.
One cool idea in this flick is the landing bay that's set up on the planet as spaceships come in to land. No one ever shoes that shit on other space movies, and that's like a big part of space travel in the future I'm sure. Where the fuck are all the landing pads, and jutting mechanical arms that are supposed to be there to catch the ship so it doesn't just crash. Not all ships are going to just have landing gear. Nahm sayn? Anyway... There's this governor guy who looks like Boss Hogg and his house ends up being way too close to where the prisoners barracks are. First thing the bad ass dude does is beat the shit outta the head honcho in the clink and tells him he's gonna work for him. So now this dude has a gang as well as a brain surgeon dude who is building a bomb. There's also a side story where the bounty hunter dude is wanting to leave the planet to to go back to Earth to raise his son and take his wife. This makes me think about the subtitle of the movie. The whole time you're thinking that they're talking about the inmates escaping, but maybe, maybe they're talking about the plight of the cops, or the bounty hunter. Stuck out there on that shitty planet with a shitty existence. I don't know. I'm guessing Space Rage is used to describe the angst that the prisoner's feel as they are overthrowing the cops to escape. "AAAAAAAIGHHHHH!! We're PISSED! KILL EM!! WE'RE OUTTA HERE!!!! WE ARE FILLED WITH SPACE RAGE!!! ARRRRRGH!!!



Anyway, So yeah, the bomb gets finished, they plot to blow up the mess hall or some shit, they do it, split in some of the dune buggies and kill a bunch of space cops, and then they go to the governor's house and kill Walker's old lady. She does shoot this one guy in the throat though. And then Walker is like fuck this... and he goes and gets shot in the chest, and then he goes to tell the Colonel. And even tho the Colonel is haunted nightly by dreams of how he failed in the past, he puts on his dress blacks, and loads his shotgun and splits to kick ass and take names. And take names he does. The killings are really fast and funny and when dudes fall they THUMP to the ground or make rad SPLAT sounds. That's my favorite shit. Anyway, this was waaaay better than I thought it would be. Makes me psyched about the ones that i skip over. Believe me, I have stacks and stacks and stacks of ones that i skip over because they look like they are gonna really HURT to make it through. So, we'll see. If you can find it, its worth a laugh.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Fire and Ice (1983)

"A pig you are, and like a pig shall you die!"- Nekron

"Sometimes in the night... I'm so afraid."- Teegra

"That wolf bitch is behind all of this."- Darkwolf

I found this gem of a movie on VHS in Richmond at a thrift store on my last trip up there. Finally got around to watching it last night and it was MORE than worth the 99 cent I paid for it. For fans of sword and sorcery you can't go wrong. For fans of adult animation you can't go wrong. Written, directed, produced, designed, and fully created by Ralph Bakshi and Frank Frazetta, I'm very surprised this flick isn't way bigger than it is. Like Masters of the Universe if it was made by the Heavy Metal animators. Anyone who digs Conan and shit like that should look for FIRE AND ICE!!





I guess there's nothing really special about this flick. The plot is pretty simple, but there was always something so powerful and amazing about Frazetta's work, and Bakshi really brought his paintings to life in this one. I was always a fan of He-Man and Conan and stuff like that, but if you go back and watch the He-Man cartoons, they were all made for kiddies. They were all clean and dry, no one died and they even had a moral at the end. When I was younger I remember them being more violent, but maybe that was just in my head from the Conan or Kull comics. Who knows? Either way, there's plenty of stabbing and axe chopping in this guy. The story starts off with a narrator setting up the story of a land that this evil queen wanted to rule.



The evil queen had a son named Nekron. Plus for some reason she was really into Ice and snow. Somehow she taught her son telepathic powers and somehow he mastered them. (Again for some reason) He used that power to create giant glaciers that pushed their way across the land anytime anyone gave him any shit. Pretty soon he was the ruler over most of the realm except for down south where this place called Fire Keep was. There was a good king there who had some sons who were pissed, and a SUPER HOT daughter named Teegra who barely wore any clothes.



Basically to get the king in the south to bow down, Nekron sent his orc-like ape-man assault team to kidnap Teegra. But she was hot and she kept escaping. Nekron's glacier destroyed this one dudes whole village and people, his name was Larn. Larn comes upon Teegra while snacking on a direwolf that he killed. He was also about to get eaten by one of them himself, but this mysterious dude with a wolf skin on his head shot the direwolf with an arrow so that Larn could escape. Then the orcs kidnapped Teegra again after her and Larn got separated. Well, there's also this giant squid thing that was gonna eat him, but why give away everything right?



Man, she escapes AGAIN, and then this mongoloid brings her back to this hot old witch. But then the witch tries to trade her to Nekron (for a price!). But she gets killed by the orcs. Then the orcs finally bring her back to Nekron and his mom is like, now you can marry her. But Nekron fucking freaks out! "I don't need anybody!" All of a sudden everyone watching this EVER, goes "oh, he's gay." Something is def up either way for him to slap THIS chick down the stairs. Sayn. And then Nekron kills Teegra's brother. And then (as if to prove my point) instead of killing Larn after he shoots an arrow at him, he takes off his cloak and summons him over to fight him hand to hand. Pretty telling. (Nothing wrong with that either, just commentary. I mean, after watching this chick crawl all over the forest in next to nada, I'm thinking "when is someone gonna bone her?", and the first person she is offered to slaps her down and calls her a slut. I was ready to defend her myself). Anyway, Basically Larn and Darkwolf save the day. I highly recommend this one to comic nerds, fantasy nerds, animation nerds, and nerds in general. Pretty awesome and definitely a highlight of my finds lately. SEEK IT OUT!!

PS- Terradactyls are called Firehawks. Rad!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Captain America (1990)

"You care? Then come to me, my brother. Let us see if this heart of yours is stronger than my hate."- The Red Skull

"There was a scientist, eh, an Italian, eh, her name was eh... Doctor, eh, Vaseline?"- Sam

"Gee whiz, we gotta get going, Mr. President."- Captain America

First of all, Let me say thank you to frequent reader and commenter HOSS for personally handing me a VHS copy of this in Austin after our Motorhead gig there. Super rad dude to bring to light this vicious assault on nerd senses everywhere. I had heard about this flick after reviewing the Roger Corman produced Fantastic Four from 94. Some said it was worse, and I figured, "how could it be WORSE?!" Well, I'm not going to say it was worse. I think if you are a true nerd fanboy and appreciated comic books growing up, and lived in a time where you really would've given anything to see some of your favorite characters on the big screen, way before superhero flicks were big business, then you can probably find some enjoyment in either of these flicks. So we have Ronny Cox, Ned Beatty, the super duper hot Italian actress Francesca Neri, and an unknown named Matt Salinger as CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!





I'm trying to think of why this wasn't so bad. I mean it was bad. But I've seen worse. Matt Salinger wasn't bad as Captain America. He looked like Steve Rodgers for sure. The Red Skull's makeup was pretty rough. There was a LOT of cheesy dialogue, but we are talking about whitebread 1940s Captain America. He was the lamest super hero. The answer to Superman. A real life American soldier. a SUPER soldier. He never even smoked weed. And he lived when it wasn't illegal! Ok, so they messed with the story a bit, but not much. The flick starts out in the 30s. The nazis bust in this piano recital and kidnap this kid and mow down his folks and friends.



They turn this kid into the Red Skull because of his big brain. Then the chick who invented the whole way to do it is like, "NO!" and she defects to the US. Then about 15 years later, she's convinced the US to do the same thing to battle the Red Skull. They are going to make a whole bunch of super soldiers. They get this volunteer, a dude with polio who can't join the military. So they make him Captain America. Some dude comes to congratulate her and screams "Heil Hitler" and then shoots her in the chest. The Cap kills him, but too late for Herr Vasselli. She bites it, taking the secrets of the super serum with her.



So they send Cap to kill Red Skull only Skully tapes him to a rocket. Cap grabs him to pull him to hell, but Skully cuts his own fucking hand off rather than take the 3 Stooges rocket ride! A little kid is taking a pic of the White House when suddenly Cap almost slams into him and the white house, but Cap kicks the rocket off course flying all the way to Alaska burying himself. But not before the kid could take a pic of Cap and share it with his little fat friend. That kid grows up to be the president and the little fat kid grows up to be Ned Beatty the head of like the Washington Post.



So Cap finally gets found out in Alaska and busts out of the ice just about the time that the kid President is getting kidnapped in Rome by the Red Skull who's had plastic surgery and been behind all the major assassinations of the 20th century. (Great timing!!) This time tho he's going to plant a mindscrambler into the Prez's head and control him. So Cap has to allude Skully's hot ass daughter (well, she's not SO hot in this, but in real life,,, rowrrr). And figure out that he's missed out on the last 50 years. So he starts banging his old flame's (literally now) daughter and takes her to Rome to find Skully and save the world. I don't know. I'll bet this one is AT LEAST half as good as the new one. I have pretty LOW expectations for that little piece of work. Thanx HOSS! Ok! More soon, going to eat some homemade cookies!

UPDATE!: Totally spaced on this till the other day! DID YOU KNOW? Both parents from "A Christmas Story" are in this flick too? Yep! Ralphie's mom was Steve's Mom, and Ralphie's Dad (the Old man) was the fucking military general dude who is plotting with the Red Skull! Nice lil tidbit of info for ya. Enjoy. Enjoy that.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Doctor Detroit (1983)

"He's bad. I mean the Doctor is Baaaad. He's scares me Mom."- Smooth Walker

"Mom, I will rip off your head and shit down your neck."- Doctor Detroit

"You want me to kick your ass? Then I'm gonna kick your white motherfucking ass!"- Diavlo

Yet another flick I haven't seen in many many years. This one holds up too if you're looking for a strange, long out of print comedy. I was always a Dan Aykroyd fan, and this one just so happens to be his 2nd flick alongside JAMES BROWN. The godfather of soul once again performs in the film in an awesome ballroom scene during a player's ball. I found the soundtrack on vinyl recently in Austin, Texas at Antone's. A great find as it has 2 James Brown songs AND 2 Devo songs made specifically for the movie. In fact the title theme "Doctor Detroit" was written by Devo and isn't included on any other recording. Needless to say these are 2 of my favorite artists, so it was almost ingrained into the movie that I would like it, or at least be attracted to seeing it. Unfortunately it flopped at the box office, and the sequel that was being penned by Aykroyd was tossed. SO- Dan Aykroyd, James Brown, Howard Hesseman, Fran Drescher, TK Carter and Donna Dixon star in DOCTOR DETROIT!!!





So this flick starts out with our man Clifford Skriddlow power walking to his job as a professor at Monroe college. On the way over he passes by a pimp named Smooth Walker picking up his chicks for a new day of work. they make fun of him but say his legs are cute. His dad is like the dean of the college and is pretty much freaking out the whole flick because theyre broke, hoping that this one dude brings them an endowment check so they can keep the school open.



Once Smooth Walker has dropped off his hoes, he is surrounded in his limo by a bunch of goons from a rival pimp lady named Mom. they run him off the road and take him to speak with Mom, to whom he owes 80,000 bucks. She is gonna kill him but he says he's got a new partner who is bad, and is taking over. He makes up the name Doctor Detroit from shit she has on the wall behind her and she lets him go vowing to find and talk to this Doctor.



Now its up to Smooth Walker and Diavolo his driver to come up with a patsy to pin all the shit on before Mom kills him. So he goes to dinner at this Indian place that Skriddlow happens to go to. The girls notice him and they invite him over, and procede to get him wasted and show him the night of his life. Then when he wakes up he has somehow agreed to work with Walker. But then he has to go to work at the college. Slowly Skriddlow finally realizes what he's got himself into long after Smooth Walker has skipped town.



Throughout the rest of the flick, Skriddlow poses as this character Doctor Detroit by dressing up in a wig with an iron hand, defeating Mom twice, once in a junkyard, and after the girls save his ass with the college they have a showdown at this fancy hotel where (classic setup) Skriddlow has to be in 2 places at once, a dinner for the college where they get the money they need, and as Doctor Detroit receiving "player of the year" at the annual player's ball. A pretty awesome flick with a great soundtrack. Not a four star feature for sure, but if you love 80s comedies, this one is a must see. James Brown was a dancing motherfucker. I absolutely wish I could pull off a full split. We can always dream.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Night of the Demons (1988)

"Eat a bowl of fuck! I am here to PARTY! "- Stooge

"Rotton Pig Trash! Been out all night huh?"- Old man

"Where the FUCK is the GODDAMN gate??!?"- Rodger

"Now go tell that pretty little piece you call your sister that handsome hung Sal is here, and tell her I brung my pet snake for her to play with."- Sal

Here we go with a total classic. This is the kind of movie that this vloggg was specifically made for. I deviate from time to time because the lines are blurred anyway in life and art, but this is it. From the animated credits and awesome score at the very beginning to the creepy/hilarious epilogue ending and ensuing final end credit 80s jam, this film is the pure true essence of 80s cheese and schlock horror camp. A lot of these films end up being a chore to watch, but this was a pleasure. Such a weird film with some great dialogue. A bunch of nobodies in a film by Joe Augustyn and Kevin S. Tenney.





So, this one starts out with a trio of friends driving around (in a car that reminds me of classic teenager flick cars like the mirthmobile in Wayne's World or the BOC ride from Stoned Age) on Halloween terrorizing a neighborhood and trying to make their way to a Halloween party. Then we cut to a chick (Judy) trying to help the old man, but he's just an old asshole. He has a bag of razorblades to put in apples a laughs like an old maniac. Judy then runs home and starts getting ready for her date with the preppy Jay. This bully dude Sal shows up trying to muscle his way in, but her lil brother runs interference spilling the beans that she's not going to the dance but going to a party at the Hull House which is a creepy old mortuary out in the sticks somewhere. There's also a creepy scene where the brother jumps out of Judy's closet and comments on her nice rack. creepy.



Then we cut to this chick totally bent over some tide, and these 2 clerk dudes just melting into her exposed panties. This is Suzanne. Her friend Angela and her are throwing the party, and Suz is distracting the clerks while Angela steals everything they need to party down. When they are finished, Suzanne asks the clerks, "Do you guys have sour balls?" and they're like, "yes maam.", and she's like, "well that's too bad, I'll bet you don't get many blowjobs." And then she splits. Then the 3 in the car (Stooge, Helen, & Rodger) run off the road, and end up having to walk the last 2 miles to Hull house, because the other couples who drive by tell them to fuck off basically. Anyway, they get there and start to party.



So, they start to party and there must be a mention here of the soundtrack. Most of it is a creepy 80s horror score, but there are a few songs written by the director's brother i'm guessing, seeing as they have the same "Tenney" last name. The song "Computer Date" is fucking great. "The Beast Inside" is pretty rocking too. So they're partying and then someone suggests they have a "past lives seance". Then this demon that is living in the crematorium downstairs escapes into this world and goes into Suzanne's mouth.





After that you have a spread of the demon's spirit from Suz to Angela, and then the demon starts picking them off one by one. Much like many horror flicks, the chase lasts the rest of the movie, with lots of horror cliche's: dark rooms, a ventilation shaft, flashlights, titties (one scene in particular creeped ol Sadat Thorr out when Suzanne shoves a tube of lipstick into her nipple kinda outta no where), missing doors, falling, lots of darkness, etc, etc. Since this one is worth seeking out, I'll neglect to give you the full play by play. There were 2 sequels, and a remake last year which apparently sucked. Although it DID have Edward Furlong in it (and Shannon Elizabeth). Big up to Furlong for still looking like the Terminator kid. He pulled some kind of Gary Coleman/Peter Pan shit while no one was paying attention. Anyway, check it out. 2 boners up. Or 2 bonger's worth. Whatever.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Shock 'Em Dead (1991)

"I'm a virgin girl. I wait 'til I'm married. I'm a virgin girl. I don't go down on my knees."- Johnny

"Nobody can love you harder than I can"- Angel

"Someday I'm gonna be so famous that people are gonna stand in line to hear my play! "- Angel

I first became aware of this flick on tour with Fu Manchu in Europe back in 2007. We watched it on the tour bus. I was pretty stoned to the bone from hash plates, and I couldn't remember the name of it forever. It took me a long time to seek it out and figure out what the fuck it was. All I could remember was that Michael Angelo Batio was the "stand in" guitar player and when we did finally figure out what it was and looked it up, the big deal with the flick was they advertised it as a Traci Lords vehicle, and THAT was the main thing that pissed people off about the movie. They show her all sexy with her pouty lips and strutting around, and even have her on all the covers of the posters and versions on vhs and bootleg dvds, knowing full well that anyone familiar with her career is gonna think she is gonna be full on nude in the movie. HOWEVER, even though there are no shortage of titty shots in the flick, she keeps her clothes on THE WHOLE TIME!! Not once does she even come close to showing skin. She does scream a few times. Which could give you a boner if you are into that kind of thing. But, really and truly, I've posted a "homemade" trailer below that was for a screening in California or something because the real trailer is so misleading, all it does is keep flashing: TRACI LORDS!, TRACI LORDS! TRACI LORDS! So, I hope you get the gist of it from this. Traci Lords, and (making his 2nd Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review appearance) Aldo Ray as the pizza shop owner- in SHOCK EM DEAD!!!





So in the beginning, there is this very shitty band (Spastic Colon) doing a very shitty version of "Purple Haze". Sorry, I'm distracted because Rashida Jones is on television. (She's hot.) (hotter than traci lords too...) ok, back to bad stuff. gah. ok. This band is auditioning guitar players. And the gay singer is being an asshole to all of them and acting all smarmy. But the band is stressed because they have a big fucking "showcase" show the next day! HA! Already this is ridiculous 3 minutes into it. Number one, this guy would NEVER get to be the singer of a heavy band. Ain't happening. Not because he's gay. Halford is gay and he fucking rocks. This guy may not even be gay, they never say. He WAS however VERY feminine, and TERRIBLE. I think that terrible should be the "mainest" reason he'd never be allowed to rock. Ok, but even more pertinent- WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE SCHEDULE A BAND A "SHOWCASE" SHOW WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A GUITAR PLAYER? Why would you ever agree to PLAY A SHOWCASE if you don't have one? Do you think you are magically gonna meet a guitar player who somehow sold his soul to the devil to be so good that he can take one look at the notes and know the song in and out flawlessly??? Well, I guess so, because that is what happened. But I'm jumping forward a bit.



The funny thing about this flick is that they actually show the "sunset strip" (even guitar center) in hollywood which is where all these showcase shows go down. Any band that's been to LA and played one of these shows knows all about this bullshit. They don't let you use your own gear, and blah blah blah, I don't even know why i'm focusing on this. It just makes me SO mad that these stupid assholes thought they were gonna actually find a dude and impress everyone the day before the fucking show. I guess crazier things have happened. But man, they were seriously cutting it close. Enter Martin, some dude one of the dudes "heard" played guitar. Martin is just a fucking nerd at a pizza shop. He loves titties but never gets any. He quits his job to audition but they just make fun of him. He goes to ask for his job back but Aldo Ray tells him to scrub the toilet. Then his landlord kicks his ass. So like everyone shits on him. Then he says fuck it and searches out this voodoo lady and tells her he wants to be a rock star with all the trimmings.



He gets what he wants including some pretty heinous 80s porn chicks. Sure you get to see their boobs, but did you really want to in the first place? Yeah, I guess maybe before they actually showed em you did. Martin is now Angel and he totally rips. He becomes pretty cocksure almost immediately, answering statements like, "you're gonna be the biggest star in the world", by simply saying, "I know." AWESOME! Unfortunately, Angel now has to drink the lifeblood of people to stay alive much like his concubines. They rack up the bodies pretty quickly and the band gets suspicious. Also he goes back and kicks everyone's ass that fucked with him. Angel falls for Traci Lords and asks the voodoo lady how he can turn her into one of his "chicks".



Basically all he has to do is put her in a pool of snakes and pour some powder in and stab her through the heart after seducing her with his own guitar ripping skillz. Easy right? Only thing is, Traci's boyfriend is out to stop them, and he goes to the voodoo lady, almost choosing to become one of them to do it... but then he is like -forget that voodoo lady, and then he grabs the dead singers heroin kit (that they never moved from the showcase at the beginning of the movie) and puts some food in it and jabs it into Angels neck, instantly killing him. End of story. I say if you love heavy metal, cheesy flicks, satan, 80s boobs, or absurdly hard to find vhs, make it happen jack.

I'M IN LOVE WITH A SLUT!

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

"That's when I decided to leave mankind to it's folly and retire here. Into this world of memories "- Capn Manzini

Not only is this one of the worst movies ever, its also one of the most DISAPPOINTING movies ever, second only to Masters of the Universe. I remember going to the movies to see this as a kid, and being like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" when he found out his Lil Orphan Annie decoder pin was a ruse for an Ovaltine commercial. "Sonofabitch!" I couldn't understand then, and still don't understand now- where the hell this plot came from, or where it was even supposed to go!? Who was this movie aimed at? Certainly not kids! And why would adults be into it? I heard once that it was supposed to be made a horror film where toxic sludge seeped into a trash can and turned some Cabbage Patch Dolls into serial killers. But I think that was nixed because of either Cabbage Patch Dolls themselves or maybe it was too much like Child's Play. As a matter of fact, maybe the made Child's Play out of the thrown away plot...?! Who knows? Anyway, speaking of garbage, they should've thrown the script there since it had so many holes in it. Mackenzie Astin (Sean's brother, & the kid from the later seasons of the Facts of Life), and a bunch of unknowns in THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE!!






So, in the beginning there's like a garbage can spaceship. And its floating around near the Earth. Then, cut to a kid getting chased through a park by some chick and some meathead. And then he gets cut off by a young bully in a suit named Juice. Then he gets beat up and he goes to work in some old antique shop with this eccentric old dude named Capn Manzini. And there's a trash can he's not supposed to touch. NO MENTION OF HOW THE TRASH CAN GOT IN THERE FROM SPACE!!! OR EVEN HOW LONG ITS BEEN THERE. Seeing as how its an "antique", one would assume that it had been there a long time? But we'll never know because they didn't bother to write that part!!! Ok, BIG BEEF #2: In the beginning you hear them running around and they're like whispering, "we have to get back in the trash can, so the Capn doesn't get mad", and he comes in and puts a diver helmet on top of the pail. Then later on he's pissed at "Dodger"(Astin) for accidentally spilling them and letting them out. He says he can't get them back in without a magic song! Well then how were they out in the beginning??? Pure Bullshit! Who the fuck wrote this? Didn't they have plot checkers or something?! I was furious rewatching this piece of shit.



Ok. Dodger has a crush on "Tangerine". She fancies herself a fashion designer. Dodger wants to bone her, even though he's only 14. We've all been there. Raging hormones is the only thing that can make you wanna pork a chick that is treating you like shit right to your face and rubbing it in your nose and you still eat it up and ask for more. The "kids" (Ali Gator- he who loves to eat toes, Messy Tessie- a snotty lil girl, Valerie Vomit- nuff said, Windy Winston-the farter, the baby one, and the greaser) make him a jacket so she'll be into him. Meanwhile they are like searching for the rest of the Garbage Pail Kids (one would assume to make people stop asking "why are there only 7 of them?") who have been taken off to the State Home for the Ugly.



Dodger lies to her and says he made the jacket and she gets him to make like 12 more "outfits" for her fashion show. She's totally ripping him off, and he's using the kids, and theres supposed to be a big lesson in there, but they never say it or get a chance. Dodger keeps getting beat up by Juice but the kids run over his car with a Pepsi truck, and befriend some bikers.



The shit goes down in the end at the fashion show and then the weird old capn tries to put the kids back into the trash can, but they aren't having it, and they drive off on some ATVs. End of movie. I'm probably going to think of 100 other reasons I hate this movie, but either way, it was still pretty good to watch. HAHA. I have to go play a show with Weedeater right now. Aloha from Phoenix. yers VH

bad/awesome flixxx review: Deadly Prey (1987)

"You’re supposed to be the best at what you do- do it BETTER"- Michealson

"Wrong Answer"- Mike Danton

"FUCK YOU!"- bad chick

wow. alahoyus! by now you guys know how it goes when I'm on tour. It usually takes me a while to get reviews posted while I'm out here on the road because we are unbelievably busy. Its not all just rocking and partying and watching bad flicks. There's a million other things happening. Blah Blah Blah. But, your need and wait and want for heinous flick suggestions has not gone unwarranted this time. I bring you one of THE most unintentionally funny flicks I've seen in a really long time. A super low budget Rambo meets The Game sort of tale about a man named Mike Danton. A bunch of nobody's in one of the best bloodiest movies ever filmed in the woods of Riverside, California. My friends, I present DEADLY PREY!!!



Deadly Prey is the story of Mike Danton, an Vietnam Vet who is kidnapped while taking out the trash. This dude Colonel Hogan is a dude who was kicked outta the army after being labeled crazy. He trained hundreds of men "his way". Which apparently wasn't the right way since he was shit-canned. Anyway, nowadays Hogan makes bread by hanging out in Riverside California and kidnapping dudes off the street and making them play "the deadliest game" (like that book) where the kidnappee is forced to "run" through the woods in hopes of escaping these mercenaries that Hogan is training. He's training them for some dude named Michealson for some reason they never explain. Michealson is the money man. The flick starts off with some poor spanish sap running for his life only to be annihilated.



Michealson is on Hogan's ass cause he desperately NEEDS these mercs! Who the fuck knows what for, b/c they never tell ya, but he's adamant that Hogan only has ONE MONTH! or he's pulling the plug on the bread. Capeesh? So Hogan needs another runner. He sends his goons out on patrol, and they just so happen to snatch up a fucking RIPPPED dude named Mike Danton. Bad move! This dude is a fucking soft spoken maniac! They strip him down to these tiny shorts and tell him to run. He's like, "you're dead." HA! the flick has some of the BEST delivery I've ever seen. And by best I mean absolute god awful.



For some reason instead of calling the police, Danton's wife calls her dad, who is a great/bad actor. some dude, looks like he was probably in some old shit that i can't be bothered to look up. (couldn't take it, had to look him up. Cameron Mitchell! santa claus from Space Mutiny!!) He turns out to be an ex cop, so maybe she's not so stupid after all. Except she is, because his dumb old ass gets gutted while he's snooping around. Anyway, Danton starts killing like every dude around. He trips the first guy and has a knife and machine gun! bang. Then when the one guy goes to report it, they kill him! HAha! Then another guy comes and is like, 'he killed them all!' and so they go to catch him, only he starts picking off more of them. They decide to call it a night before it gets too dark, and then Danton, even tho he's only been out since the morning is like eating worms!!! and then cooks a fucking RAT! He must have been starving... hahaha. That's what happens when your wife sends you to take out the trash before you get to eat breakfast.



So, they chase him more, he kills more, but they catch him. He escapes with the help of an old Nam buddy who is one of the mercs in training. so then they decide to kidnap his wife. Bad move. Then they rape her, kill her dad, and you're like what the fuck. Danton goes home, the bad chick is waiting. He shoots her in the face. Then he breaks out his crazy Rambo gear. Then he goes back to Riverside, and teams up with his buddy (who then gets killed). And then he breaks out his wife, who also gets shot in the face! Then he finds the guy who did it and RIPS HIS ARM OFF AND BEATS HIM TO DEATH WITH IT!!!! IF you can find a copy of this on vhs, you should buy it with every nickel you have. You won't be disappointed. But it hasn't been released to DVD so yer F'd there. I'd say download it. (that's my gig, if it's not available or out of print, that's the only time that's ok.)



i'm gonna leave ya with this little piece of heaven:

Valient Himself Art Process Video

just finished this. Pretty excited about it. Hope you all like it. thanx

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Boy Who Could Fly (1986)

"You don't date retards, It's just not done..."- Geneva

"ain't no water in this water gun"
"oh yeah, well what's in it?"
"piss!"- Louis to Bully

Lemme go ahead and point out what a godawful teaser trailer this is. You can't even find the original trailer online. It just ain't happening. I searched. None of the fucking actors are even in this trailer! As a matter of fact, some other chick does one of Lucy Deakins lines! That's sacrilege in my opinion. Of course, I only had a crush on her since I was about 7. Remember The Great Outdoors? She played the "everyone comes here, and then leaves, I'm too tuff" girl at the mountain camp resort. Anyway... Also you have a young Fred Savage, McLane's wife from Die Hard as the mom, Herman Munster as a drunk uncle, and Jay Underwood (Johnny Storm from Corman's Fantastic Four) as Eric Gibb, an autistic kid who thinks he can fly. Or maybe he knows it? Anyway, spoiler warning here: He only speaks like 6 words in the entire film! All he did was look at the ground and hold his hands up like an airplane, so no one knew how bad of an actor he really was. Lucky asshole. Got to smooch Deakins. Oh yeah, PLUS Natalie from the Facts of Life plays the nosy, know-it-all, eat your fries kind of neighbor friend. The trailer gives you no hint at what this is about, but whatever, all those people star in THE BOY WHO COULD FLY!!!



So, if you haven't seen this flick then you should probably check it out. Its the story of a family who's patriarch offs himself after he finds out he has cancer. Then they move to a new town and move in beside of this autistic boy. The kids have their first day of school and the mom is going back to work to make bread for the family. Milly the daughter and the lead pretty much runs the show at the house caring for her GI Joe obsessed little brother, and cooking meals for them because the mom is barely holding shit together.



Pretty soon Millie notices that everyone treats Eric Gibb differently cause he's autistic and doesn't really give a shit about anyone else or anything but flying apparently. She falls for him and it takes her the rest of the movie to figure out what to do about it. Can he really fly or is it all bullshit? Will the CPA come and take Eric away from the drunk uncle? Will Louis every be able to ride his big wheel around the block without the bullies fucking with him? Watch the movie and see. This is an incredibly long movie actually. The average flick clocking in at 98 minutes, this one soars in at a full 2 hours. Good for nostalgia though if its been years since a viewing. Had been YEARS since I saw this. Favorite scenes by far are the Fred Savage bully scenes. He's seen here in his pre-Wonder Years days. Probably what landed him the role truthfully. check it out.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Hudson Hawk (1991)

"Yeah, you look great- you look like fuckin...Zorro."- Tommy Tutone

"You New York Italian, father-made-twenty-bucks-a-week son of a bitch."- Darwin Mayflower

"They had the worst ketchup when I was in prison."- Hudson Hawk

You can file this one in the "one of my favorites growing up" section as well. I may have went to the movies by myself to see this one. But as soon as it came out of VHS, I purchased my own copy. I remember specifically laying out of school feigning sickness to watch and rewatch this and PCU. I also remember reading how bad everyone thought this was. Die Hard 2 I think it was, maybe 1, but I'm thinking 2 had come out the year before maybe, and so this was billed as an action movie to pull in the same crowd, but most were disappointed because this was a straight up comedy caper. Action fans were pissed. Tri-Star were in dire straits, and ended up losing so much money on this that they had to merge with Columbia. But the fucked up thing is, it was a great flick. Don't believe the bullshit press. I mean, I'd probably praise it here anyway if I thought it was horrible, but there was something truly unique about this picture. Besides the amazing cast, it had these weird shots of 3 Stooges inspired slapstick, and really sort of poked fun at itself. If you're familiar with the movie, you can see why the fans were so perturbed at what they got just by watching the trailer. It hints that its funny with a few Willis one-liners, but i guess Die Hard fans weren't ready for full blown plot devices and running gags. Fuck them anyway. Here we have James Coburn (!), Richard Grant, Sandra Bernhardt, David Caruso, Andie Macdowell, Danny Aiello, and motherfuckin Bruce Willis in HUDSON HAWK!!!



So this is the story of Eddie "Hudson" Hawk, a very successful cat burglar. The flick starts out with a narrator explaining that Da Vinci made a device that could turn lead into gold. Then he hid the pieces of crystal that was the pinnacle of his machine in different pieces of his artwork all over the world. Fast forward to the 1990s, and ol Hudson Hawk is just getting out of SingSing on a 10 year bid. The very day he is getting out, his parole officer offers him a job stealing something. He says no. His old thief buddy Tommy Tutone (Aiello) picks him up and brings him the only thing he wants after getting out- a cappuccino. He slams on the brakes spilling it on Hawk. Then Tommy takes him to the bar they own together. While Hawk was in jail it turned all foo foo much to Hawk's distaste. He tries again to get a cappuccino and is again foiled (this begins a running gag throughout the film). The "Mario" Brothers (one of who is Frank {brother of Sly} Stallone) come to try and muscle and/or blackmail Hawk into doing the job previously spoken about. They represent someone who wants one of Da Vinci's pieces stolen from an auction house.



Hawk eventually caves and goes to steal the piece. Hawk and Tommy have a strange way of keeping time in that they quiz each other on the lengths of classic songs and then sing them so that they know when they are supposed to be out of there and the job is supposed to be over. Hawk then begins an adventure getting caught up stealing the Da Vinci pieces only to have them smashed in front of him to collect the puzzle pieces of the crystal. Along the way he has encounters with the CIA man who framed him and sent him to jail in the first place (Coburn) and his "MTV-IA" operatives Snickers, Kit-Kat, Almond Joy, and Butterfingers. They beat the shit out of Hawk on several occasions including knocking him out and flying him to Rome.



Hawk also encounters an art expert/vatican operative/nun (MacDowell) who ends up being his love interest. He first meets her at the auction house then again when trying to steal Da Vinci's codex. Then we meet the Mayflowers. "What can I tell you? I'm the villain." Darwin and Minerva are played wonderfully by Grant and Bernhardt. Sandra Bernhardt is such an awesome bitch!






There is a ton a action in the flick as well. The ambulance scene is one of my favorites. Hawk picks up a tray of needles and smashes them into one of the Mario brother's faces and he's screaming, Hawk rolls out the back on a gurney hauling ass down the highway, somehow lights a smoke... its pretty nuts. In the end you have lots of back and forth, lots of fights, lots of who's got the upper hand now?, lots of fake deaths, and real deaths, and loads of one-liners, some great, and some not so great. The end is pretty good, and I'd say over all, more awesome than bad. On netflix instant now. check it out if you never have. Essential viewing. Also, Andie MacDowell talking like a fucking dolphin. worth it.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Swamp Thing (1982)

"Oh Shit... Here Comes Trouble!"- Jude

"Everything's a dream when you're alone."- Swamp Thing

"A man who loves, gives hostages to fortune."- Arcane

Alahoyus everyone! What an awesome flick. Not sure if any of you ever saw this, or its sequel with Heather Locklear, or even the television series in the 90s on USA channel. They all started here in 1982 with Adrienne Barbeau's cleavage. That's pretty much the star of the movie to tell it true. It definitely keeps you interested. You even see her bare breasts for a moment, but the cleavage is so much better in my opinion. I feel like the whole movie revolved around her chest. Or maybe that's just what I was paying attention to. Also, one of the coolest posters, and best trailer's I've ever seen... "monsters, and midgets!" Ray Wise, Louis Jourdan, Dick Durock, and Adrienne Barbeau's tits in Wes Craven's SWAMP THING!!!



Not sure if you are a Swamp Thing fan or not. I've read the first 5 graphic novels by Alan Moore. This adaptation however is based on Wein's original story of Swamp Thing. In Moore's version, Swamp Thing was just a monster, not a man. In this version, the original version, Swamp Thing is created deep in a swamp in Louisiana (really it was filmed entirely in Charleston, SC). The movie goes that there's this eccentric brother/sister duo of scientists living down there in this shack that has a secret laboratory underneath. Alec Holland, and his sister are working on making some shit that will someday hopefully grow plants in ungrowable places like deserts. They wanted to make an aggressively growing plant formula.



So in the beginning of the film, this chick is called in to be the new assistant or something. The old one doesn't like it in the swamps. So they fly in Cable (Barbeau). She notices a sensor out right away, but this dude in charge is like forget it. Then she meets the head dude Alec. He says lets go out and fix the sensor, and then he starts creeping on her right away. Who the hell could blame him really. No man in the world could take their eyes off her rack, except for maybe long enough to ponder how she gets her hair like that. She is like, 'save it asshole' thinking that his sis is his wife. He doesn't correct her. She later figures it out and feels stupid cause she digs him. Ok, so then these guerilla dudes infiltrate the headquarters and start killing everyone. Then they go in the lab and the main bad guy Arcane (Jourdan) reveals himself by pulling off a rubber mask. Awesome!!



Then Alec falls backwards into his mixture of glowstick goo after that kill his sister. It sets him on fire because that stuff is flammable obviously, and he runs off into the swamp. Then he transforms into Swamp Thing. Then he kicks a bunch of ass. There is a back and forth in the swamp between the bad guys and Swamp Thing, and he keeps rescuing Cable and her little friend Jude, and then going back into the swamp. After they burn the shack down, Arcane steals the notebooks and tries to make the formula himself.






However, he fucks it up and turns his best goon into a midget with piglike features. Then he figures out he didn't have the last notebook. Finds it, kidnaps Cable and Swamp Thing, and asks him what he did wrong. Then after Swamp Thing is like," it turns you into what you are the most", Arcane is like "well, fuck it, I'm a genius, I'm gonna turn into a super genius", and he drinks the glowstick juice, only he turned into some kind of cocoon. Then the cocoon bursts open and reveals a weird wolf-man with a long mohawk and tail, and like armour skin or something. Then he gets a sword, and even though the midget helps them escape, Swamp Thing ends up having to battle Wolf-Arcane in the swamp and somehow magically heals Cable after her boobs are slashed. He brings her back to life, kills Arcane-Wolf and then stalks off into the swamp telling Cable to tell their story and vowing to see her again. This is a totally awesome bad flick in all the best ways. Wes Craven, thumbs up buddy. See it now on netflix instant before its gone.