Thursday, October 20, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Cyber Ninja (1988)

"Do not stand in my way. I have come to take back my body and soul." - Cyber Ninja

"I admire your courage- however- the ancestors of our enemy also engaged in blood sacrifice. We've tried to deal with them, but now the stakes are too high. The Subwabi clan is very clever. They are ruled by ambition and are not to be trusted." - Bishop of Darkness

"You do not have to preach to me the treachery of the Suwabi. But I- the great Sogi- know all of the Dark Overlord's mechaninja tear with exhilaration at the coming of our master" - Sogi

Wow. This is really bad. You can always tell the ones that are really bad by how they put you to sleep immediately. If it takes you three tries to get through a movie, then its fucking awful... or you work a lot and try to watch flicks when you're dead. Either way, this one is garbage. HOWEVER, it does have its charm. Unbelievably hard to follow- even though the plot is as simple as learning the alphabet. The villains' convoluted speeches are to blame. The amazing thing here is that driven by special effects (which are pretty impressive I'll add) they were charging $89.99 for a copy! BUT IF YOU CALL NOW... you get a second copy FREE!! Are you shitting me?? Watch the trailer and you'll see what I'm talking about. Were they trying to finance the film after it was made?? WTF?? Anyway, actors you've never heard of, in a film you've probably never heard of, that is like a sci fi/ western/ samurai/ fantasy/ occult movie rolled into one. Space witches and robot ninjas in CYBER NINJA!!

In the beginning there's a huge battle between this evil force with crazy advanced technology like heavily armed floating hover rafts and flying castles who employ a legion of mecha ninjas (which I guess are ninja robots) and a super old Japanese clan called the Suwabeh. The Suwabeh have a princess, an old master guy, and a bunch of young recruits with laser-firing swords who basically get slaughtered in the first battle. Even their main hero guy gets killed. His little brother is sad. Then there is a whole unspoken part that you are supposed to decipher from the convoluted speeches the bad guys give each other. Apparently- a bunch of time has passed (or not)(according to how you view the ending) and there's going to be big solar eclipse the next day that will fuel this huge tree inside of this living castle where the evil master is trying to be resurrected.

We don't know how he died, we just know that the bad guys, led by the arch bishop of darkness, who has a red spider thing on his back, and Shogi, a warlord with a removable face and white dreadlock whips are sucking all the blood from their enemies and putting it into this living tree inside the living castle. At the exact moment of the eclipse, they hope that the magnetic forces of the universe will somehow diddle the sensations already growing deep inside of them, and somehow cause their lord and master to be resurrected through that tree (with the help of the blood, and the soul of the strong warrior guy, and also the virgin princess {who they capture in a hover raft}).

OK, so while all of this is going on, the body of the warrior guy (SUPPOSEDLY, OR WE ARE SUPPOSED TO GATHER...MAYBE) has been resurrected by the arch bishop of darkness (who against his lord and master's will wants to turn to the side of darkness as a birthday present for the lord and master) into this super badass ninja that everyone calls the Cyber Ninja. They call him that because he is no ordinary Mecha-ninja. He's super rough and tough, and the bishop guy wants to harness his power for the side of evil. Too late, because the magnetic forces in the sky have seen fit to restore the Cyber Ninja's memory, and he knows that those guys are full of shit, and he's coming for his fucking soul back. The main Suwabeh master guy hires this sellsword samurai who asks for 5 volunteers of the Suwabeh clan to go on a rescue mission to save the Princess.

He picks 4 dudes, and the little brother of the main warrior who died asks if he can go to avenge his brother. The samurai tells him no way, but then he gets pissed and his little LED ear piece thing shows that he has no fear or something like that, because he gets picked (I don't know what it says, I can't read Japanese). So they head out, armed with these crazy, almost steampunk looking guns. And then when they get to the fortress, the 4 first Suwabeh are killed by Mecha-ninja pretty fast. But little brother does ok, and then they meet up with Cyber Ninja who is obviously on their side now. Those 3 storm the castle, and then there's the battle between them and Shogi. And they kill his ass, and then they steal a hover raft and crash it into the top of the castle. And then there's a battle between them and the dark bishop. And they kill his ass, but not before little brother is killed. And then they prevent the lord and master bad guy from appearing and they grab the princess and take off, just as the Suwabeh fire their newly developed Cannon technology. As they are flying home, the samurai kind of convinces the Cyber Ninja that HE was the little brother's big brother. And after being convinced, he JUMPS OUT OF THE FUCKING FLYING RAFT THOUSANDS OF FEET IN THE AIR, only to land like a cat on his feet, living to fight another day. Then the princess looks at the samurai and says, "there's no way that he could be the big brother", and the samurai says, "leave it be." I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO MEAN. Like why did he want him to think that if it wasn't true. So that he would have some kind of purpose in life? To protect the Suwabeh? I don't know, that shit went over my head. Or under my butt. Should you see this? I guess if you have insomnia.

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