Thursday, October 13, 2011
Bad/awesome flixxx review: Willow (1988)
"Don't I know you? I stole the baby from you, Daikini! While you were taking a peepee!" - Franjean (Brownie)
"Burglekutt, you're troll dung!" - Willow
"Ooh, I'm really scared. No! Don't! There's a- a peck here with an acorn pointed at me!" - Madmartigan
THIS is a great movie. I'm sure a lot of you remember this one, and probably even remember liking it, BUT if you haven't seen it in years and years, you should go back and give it another shot! It's incredible! Written by none other than George Lucas, and (I had know idea that it was) directed by (lil Opie Griffith) Ron Howard! Starring Warwick Davis (Wicket the Ewok) and Val Kilmer in a fantasy/sword/sorcerer flick entitled WILLOW!!!!
So right away the action begins when knowing there is a prophesy that says a girl baby will bring apart her downfall, evil sorceress Bavmorda commands all pregnant chicks be thrown into her dungeon in the land of Nockmaar. The girl baby is born in the dungeons identified by a birthmark on her arm. The midwife smuggles her out just before they are about to get her and kill her. Bavmorda freaks out and sends her hot redheaded daughter Sorsha and her chief security skull guy and guards after the midwife and the child. The midwife is able to hide for a while in the woods, til Bavmorda's weird dog monsters catch up with her in the woods and devour her. Luckily she found a floating patch of dirt to lay the baby on right before the hounds ate her up.
Two midget kids from a midget town find the baby by the river. The midgets are called Newlyns by themselves and Pecs by everyone else as a derogatory term. There's this farmer Newlyn named Willow who wishes he was a magician/sorcerer. His kids found the baby in between him getting chewed out by this jerk Newlyn named Burglekutt who's trying to get Willow's land. He told them to keep quiet but- too late, his old lady decides they have to keep the baby. So then it just so happens that the next day is the day where the head midget honcho wizard picks an apprentice. But all 3 applicants fail the test. Then the hounds come and ravage some cribs. Willow knows he must bring the baby to the council. The council says he must take the baby away from the town to a town with Dakinis (regular sized people). So Willow volunteers and gets a group of Newlyn warriors to go with him. They find this dude Madmartigan (Kilmer) in a crow's nest style cage left to die. No other soldiers will take the baby. Madmartigan promises he'll protect the baby. So they give it to him. On the way home, Willow sees a Brownie (like a woods gremlin) flying on an owl with the baby he stole from Madmartigan.
The queen of the brownies- Cherlindrea tells Willow that the baby (whose name is Elora Danan btw) has told her that she chose Willow to be her guardian. She gives him the sorceresses named Fin Raziel's magic wand (which is just an old stick) and tells him to go find her, and she sends 2 brownies to accompany him and show him the way. The brownies never shut up and like to get drunk. So they go on this long journey to find Fin Raziel. They find her but she's been turned into some kind of marsupial. Then they get caught by Sorsha. Willow tries to turn Fin Raziel back into a woman but she turns into a raven. Then the brownies spill love dust on Madmartigan and he falls for Sorsha. And then, Madmartigan escapes with Willow & Elora on a shield sled a la CHRISTMAS VACATION. "cereal varnish".
Ok, they hole up in this abandoned castle, and Madmartigan goes wild preparing to fight all the badguys basically by himself. He is preparing the battlements and all that, and then some trolls show up. Willow turns Fin Raziel into a goat. Then he accidentally turns one of the trolls into a goddamned 2 headed water leviathan, as big as shit. The battle starts goin off, and Madmartigan is killing motherfuckers left and right. Madmartigan's old buddy Arich shows up with reinforcements. Willow is holding his own too, eventually setting one of the heads of the creature on fire, finally killing it. Sorsha shows up and witnesses Madmartigan's display of badassery and falls for him. But alas, Elora Danen is kidnapped by the Skull faced knight badguy. They go to fight Bavmorda & get back the baby, but Bavmorda turns them all into pigs. Willow finally turns Fin Raziel into a woman again and she helps turn the troops back into humans. Willow & Fin Raziel go and challenge the bad guys at the gates and they order them killed. When knights ride out to do the deed, Madmartigan and the rest storm the castle and win their way inside. Fin Raziel then challenges Bavmorda to a duel, but in the end its Willow who uses a slight of hand trick to defeat Bavmorda. Then he gives the kid to Madmartigan and Shorsha and splits back home to midgetville to get laid by his wife. I highly highly highly recommend this one. I wish that this one did better at the theaters, because it was going to be a lot longer story. If it was made now, they'd probably have done all of them. But as it stands, there are at least 3 sequel books about Elora Danen as a teenager. They are called the Chronicles of the Shadow War series written by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. I'm ordering them off Amazon as I type. Word up.